Thread: defeated
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Old 07-22-2012, 04:23 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Originally Posted by lace3232 View Post
...he says he just wants her to feel good so she doesn't go find other men and bring back diseases.
You and your husband are in a codependent relationship with each other. Your codependent relationship with him drew in another codependent person. The sentence I quoted clearly shows that. In your case, neither of you really know what you want. Both of you have been trying to please each other in the hope that the other will figure out what you want and give it to you.

Your husband is trying to do this with his new girlfriend, because it didn't work with you. It won't work with her either, but he doesn't know that yet. It takes courage and a high level of self esteem to talk about all issues that come up as they come up, because you never know what each new conversation will change in the relationship. That is why most couples don't have the courage to talk as things come up. They don't want the change (yet). Instead of a conversation changing things the easier way, "cicumstances" do it for them the harder way.

Add a new person to a bunch of stuff not talked about and that stuff comes to the surface fast and in your face. Codependence is an unstable mixture of low self esteem and poor personal boundaries. Its a recipe for ongoing drama. The best thing to do is figure out what YOU really want and start making the day to day decisions that will get you there.

Your husband does not seem to have the confidence to be honest with himself or you (or anyone - including his new girl) about what he wants. YOU will have to privately decide what YOU want in life, then start making the little and big decisions necessary to get there. Until you develop the courage to do this, someone else's wants and needs are going to steer your life. Someone elses wants and needs steering your life is part of the experience of being in a codependent relationship.

You can recover from your own codependence if you focus yourself and do the work, but you don't have the power to change your husband or his girlfriend in any way. Codependent people usually don't feel the "need" to recover as long as others are buying into their dramas by doing what they want them to do.

It is important for you to decide what you want in life and do what it takes to get there. If the new baby grows up in your current environment, the baby will learn codependence first, then face the challenge of recovery later on. Healthy relationships are made of self esteem, respect and honesty. Your twosome didn't have it, and your new threesome doesn't either.

What are you going to do about it? I'm being very blunt because I'm hoping to wake you up out of your "I don't want to look at it yet" slumber. There is a baby on the way that will learn that slumber quickly.

So ,what are you going to do about it?
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