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Old 07-21-2012, 08:34 PM
Prudence Prudence is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 17

Lovescribe, thank you for your thoughts. You're right, I am coming to terms with this fear and beginning to disassociate from it as it has no place in my life. I think being able to view it as a separate entity helps me to see it as an intruder, something I can choose to remove, rather than something that is just part of me whether I want it or not.

Sparklepop, the practical reasons make perfect sense. We did have a few hiccups with NRE (though whether he was so infatuated, or I just had heightened sensitivity, is another question) but once we really talked it through, he was able to reinvest a portion of that energy back into our relationship and that made all the difference in the world. I know that the likelihood to cling in the early stages is high, but knowing that doesn't make it sting any less. =/ So I am glad that we had those restrictions up until now, especially since this is still very new to me. I think it helped my sense of security while he and I were figuring out how to navigate all this New Stuff. I don't think he's any less smitten at this stage, but I think he is much better at balancing that with focused care of me, so I think this might be do-able now whereas before it probably would have been a recipe for disaster. If that makes sense?

I also feel as though secret/restricted stuff is inherently more titillating and exciting to the parties involved, which is why I desire transparency over DADT; and I suspect limiting them to 1 day/week makes that one day seem like OMG OVER THE TOP EXCITING whereas if, like us, they could do it whenever... it would still be good but it would lose that "forbidden" sheen, and it would allow a more realistic emotional connection to develop. If that makes sense??

My Captain is drawn (sexually) to people with whom he has a significant intellectual or emotional attraction (as am I), so it would be excessively naive of me to believe he'd ever have a strictly casual relationship. I am not automatically averse to something significant (whether in terms of time, investment, etc), although I do draw a line somewhere (probably at cohabitation). But, again, who knows what the future may hold. If I'm happy and he's happy I see no reason not to continue exploring.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
As for letting go of the fear... I find the best way is to just live through the experiences. If Captain falls in love with another and you are still very happy, your fear will naturally dissipate with experience.
I completely agree with this. I was fearful that him having sex with someone else would make me feel less special (prior to this I was his only sexual partner), but once it was done I was able to put it in perspective and realize that my specialness to him was for a lot of reasons, and none of them were because I was the only vagina he'd ever had, and I haven't felt any less special for knowing he's had that experience with someone else.

I am mulling this over to develop my comfort with the idea but I think the next step is just going to be that leap of faith. =)

I've also invited him to come read and share his thoughts, if he is so inclined. I have very much enjoyed the open communication between all parties and am appreciating this opportunity to unpack my latent assumptions and make conscious decisions in their place. This forum has been a wealth of perspective for me. =)
Pru, married 6yrs
to the Captain
- who recently started dating Jenga
- and in a 3yr online LDR with the Ninja.

Still very much feeling our way in this world.
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