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Old 12-04-2009, 07:01 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
As before I'm the mono guy in a relationship with a poly girl. We've started to talk about it more openly but it still scares me and hurts me to think about, but that's not the problem, I care enough about her to not protest this, even if its painful to me. I'm having trouble trying to get her to understand how it feels to me so she can be... I dunno gentler about it, more helpful to me I guess. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm a secure person, if this is going to happen I need her support but try as I may I can't get through to her what a relationship is to me, and what I expect from her. We were talking yesterday, she said that she wanted a girlfriend and I said that that was ok, but that I wasn't ready yet and that I didn't know when I would be. She said that there was no one right now, but if she found someone she was going to try to act on it, and that I wouldn't have to meet her. This hurt me a little but I replied that I'd have to meet the girl, that I wouldn't want a threesome or whatever a more typical guy would want, I'm not interested in that, but that I'd have to meet her. I told her if it happened I would probably be jealous and it may effect our relationship. She replied that she just wouldn't tell me then. This is cheating to me, in fact polyamoury is on the verge of cheating for me, but if its done a certain way I think I can survive, with some time. I told her no, that that was not any good at all, that that was cheating in my mind that that was the worst thing I could do, and that while her getting a girlfriend would hurt me, doing it secretly would hurt so much more. I have to meet the girl, I'll probably hate her, demonize her, turn her into an enemy, but I have to meet her and speak to her and have a face. It made me realize though, that this strange community I don't fit with, that on some level I oppose but am willing to get involved in for her a much different than myself. That she can think that cheating is having someone else and leaving me for them. That that is what she thinks I'm afraid of, that that's why it hurts me. It's more than that, the fear of be left is there surely, the fear of chasing her away, the fear of becoming distant and having us change, but there's also the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of betrayal, the loss of time with her that I so treasure, and well I am a guy so also the loss of potential sex. And now there is a fear of deception, of being lied to, of her simply not being able to comprehend how I feel and how she can make it right.

So anyway my question, How does this community see cheating, what is cheating to you, how bad is it, please act like I'm three, because apparently the mindsets are so different that its the only way to express things properly.

And also, if you could help me find the words that will express the way I feel to her, words that will make her understand me I would appreciate it so very much. I honestly hope she doesn't find anyone else, as cruel as it sounds and as bad as it feels, I don't want to give up that time with her, I don't want to have to deal with the stress and the conflict and whatever else it is I so dread. But if it happens it needs to happen a way that I can live with, and I need to get that across.

Thank You
It sounds like she is either frustrated or wants an open relationship, not a poly one. Personally I have found that it is better to go at the pace of the one who is most struggling with poly and the issues/feelings/dynamics it can bring up. In this case its you.

Having been with someone who said something similar to what she has said I would wonder how much depth she really wants to have with you? It sounds like she would rather not share herself with you for whatever reason. Perhaps she is looking for a way out of your relationship. It sounds like she is not willing to put the endless amount of work into your relationship that poly requires.

It might be an idea to tell her that you want to have a deep relationship with her and that she is blocking the two of you from having it by insisting that she keep any other partner separate. Perhaps its a matter of clarifying how invovled you both want to be with each other.

You say you are not secure? Well, why should you be? You are right, she doesn't sound like she is being gentle or empathic. How can security be built if you are not receiving these things in your relationship? It can't!

I would suggest that if you DON'T meet her other partners that you will hate them, demonize them and think of them as the enemy much more. That has been my experience and others too. To me it isn't poly unless everyone can at least be amicable. Not best friends necessarily, but get along and at least have respect and concern for one another. Anyone she is with will directly effect your life vicariously through her so its in everyones best interest that you are ALL communicating and supporting each other one way or another.

Please don't think that because you are a man that you are the only one concerned about having less sex. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with a human concern. Humans need closeness and sex is a part of that (besides, its intimate fun! ). All your concerns about being in a poly relationship are very valid and also common, because you have human needs. It IS possible to get those needs meet and some. If this works out you will get needs met that you didn't even know you had. That has been my experience anyway. Its been hard work, but so fullfilling and so much more than I thought.

Take a good look around these forums my friend. Get you girlfriend to do some research and educate herself a bit more too maybe (she may also benefit from reading here). This is a project for both of you whether she finds another or not. Together you can reach such amazing depths with each other if that is truly what you BOTH want.
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