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Old 07-21-2012, 06:53 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
from the very trivial ("it was an upsetting family situation that made me do it")
to "you (=husband) made me do it because you were asking too many questions and being too inquisitive" (and yes he was inquisitive, because he was suspicious, which turned out to be justified).
~grins~ Ah.... the old .... "you made me do it... you put a gun to my head and made me drop my pants..."


I think I could, it's just so hard seeing my husband setting himself up for something that can only lead to more pain. But I can't really tell him what to do... don't want to!

I think I am also mourning the loss of a naive dream I had - I was still hoping that she would tell the other BF, that she would become more open, and that she and I would become friends. I think that ship has sailed
That sounded like a lovely dream. And hey... we all have dreams

If you take the viewpoint that your husband has to make his own mistakes, I understand that. I'm more like you in that respect. I've never come to a situation where I've threatened to break up with my girlfriend over one of her other lovers, even though she has with me. Everyone has different expectations, I suppose.

All you can really do in this case then, is support him and pray that he starts making better choices. Perhaps talk to him about why he makes these choices?

If he's got an unhealthy pattern... can that be changed? Or does it have to keep repeating itself? Is this kind of relationship pattern good for him in any way? Or does it always inevitably lead to bad stress and heartache?

What I mean by that... is that I don't mind dating quite selfish casual partners. I find some of their self-obsession amusing and the arguments can actually be thrilling. I'm not going to marry them, so those shortcomings aren't a no-go for me.

However, I used to have a pattern of ignoring the effect that any of this drama had on my girlfriend.

I've tried to change my pattern a bit. If I see that any of them are trying to push her buttons, they have to change that, or we end it.

I am grateful to my girlfriend, because she gave me a long, hard shake and pointed out my dating pattern. She pointed out how much crap I used to take from people and I realised it was unhealthy.

Ultimately, as you say, you don't want to control him. Maybe with some reflection you might be able to help him form a healthier pattern?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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