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Old 12-04-2009, 06:01 PM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 175

She replied that she just wouldn't tell me then. This is cheating to me, in fact polyamoury is on the verge of cheating for me, but if its done a certain way I think I can survive, with some time.
Cheating, either in a mono or poly relationship, is about a breach of trust. I'd most certainly call the situation you're in cheating when it's clear that it would be a violation of your trust and boundaries.

How does this community see cheating, what is cheating to you, how bad is it
Cheating is a betrayal of trust, a violation of the boundaries of the relationship and a really shitty thing to put someone through, especially if you claim to love them. What cheating is, beyond that betrayal, is really up to the relationship. For some people, flirting online is cheating because it betrays that boundary, but other couples might find online flirting to be no different than reading erotica. I know some couples who think watching porn is cheating. Exactly what crosses that boundary for you is your call, but when you know the boundary and it's crossed, it's certainly cheating.

And it's bad. Very bad.

What poly is, at it's core, is understanding of boundaries. Those of use who realize that our love isn't confined to one person set those boundaries differently, but we still set them.

And also, if you could help me find the words that will express the way I feel to her, words that will make her understand me I would appreciate it so very much.
I'll go with the suggestion to print out this post. You seem to understand why you're feeling the way you do, and your reasoning don't seem controlling. You're not concerned that she's "not doing what you want", you seem concerned that your relationship with her will be strained.

If she can't respect that, then I think it hints to underlying issues, ones that might not be resolved with honest communication. But certainly, opening up the dialogue with her is going to be the first step to any form of progress.
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