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Old 07-21-2012, 10:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
i have the perfect husband and the perfect marriage, i dont want to ruin anything we have together.
Ok. So what would be "ruin?" Failure to communicate? Divorce? You make him breakfast one day and accidentally kill him with waffles?

I joke to keep it light, but I'm serious about this part -- Please articulate/explain "ruin" to yourself. Face the fear of "ruin" -- because often fear of the unknown leads to a lot of inner crazymaking.

Quote:
i have a fear of falling in love with the other woman since emotions are what drive me sexually.
And what drives THAT fear? That if you fall in love with her, somehow this changes/negates the love for you husband?

Quote:
however, i am scared my husband will also fall in love with her...or her with him.
This is a possibility too. And you cannot hack that risk being on the table, or think about how to deal with it if it happens, don't open the door.

On the flip side... talk these fears over with DH and examine them within yourself. What is the fear speaking to?

Quote:
i want to shared relationship with another woman but do not want to share his heart. Is that even possible?
What does that all mean to you? "shared relationship" -- like fuckbuddies? We share sex? But not cohabitation? Not deep friendship? What?

You want to hard swing? You want to be the hinge in a "V" and hope it ends up where the metas (DH and GF) are just friends?

You cannot control people's feelings. Not even your own. You feel what you feel when you feel it. You can only control how to respond -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

So ask DH that question -- since theoretical GF is not around to ask yet. "what if you fell for her too and I state at this point I fear it. Would you tell me your feelings? Would you keep it from me? Would you want to act on it and see where it goes? Would you be ok NOT acting on a desire of your own so that I don't have to deal with going there? Would that cause resentment of me? What if you say no resentment NOW but later feel the pressure. How would you want to negotiate a change in the agreement fairly?"

So far nothing has changed, there is not a GF around.

But you have opportunity here to face and talk these fears out with DH. You have opportunity here to learn about yourself and learn about DH.

Me? I just ask mine all kinds of things and expect him to just think about it and tell me his POV. It's one of the sides to all this I enjoy. Plumbing his depths further. But I get off on the mindfuck -- "hon, what if...
  • I KNEW you'd say that. (feel smug I know him so well)
  • Haha, I threw you a stumper. (feel smug I stumped him into thinking)
  • Really? I never thought of that/expected you to say that. (feel amused after all this time I don't know him all they way across -- he can surprise me. Or he makes me to trip on something in me that I thought I knew well about myself but tada -- doubletake!)
  • Sounds like that would be a limit for you then. Thanks for sharing that.

Quote:
do you think i will get more comfortable with them loving each other after it actually happens?
No. I think you will get more comfortable with the possibility of them loving each other once you do the inner work in you.

You want to put it off til AFTER it happens, that's a choice. Kinda avoidy -- like "oh, damn. Now I HAVE to deal with this thing. I have no choice. Aaaahh!"

But you did. You simply chose not to choose, not to act with intent and purpose ahead of time. You are here writing about it, so can't claim it snuck up on ya.
(Sometimes things do in polyship, validly. But don't use "I didn't think about it!" as the cop out to "I didn't WANT to think about it!")

The real phrasing would be "Oh, damn. Now I HAVE to deal with this thing. I was hoping to avoid thinking about it or doing anything about it by ignoring it and hoping it would never come to pass. Crap. Now I have to hold my own bag and I'm not liking it. New choice opportunity -- deal with it at last well, deal with it like a brat, or refuse to deal with it still and reap that THAT choice brings me."

Me? I rather do the inner temperature checks and mental adjustments and talks with DH now. Because later, I have to do same with new partner person and honestly? Since if I open up again I have to do it anyway with BOTH on many tiers? May as well get it over with on the DH side because he's HERE to get on the same page with already. Whether we open up again or not, the talk lead to greater emotional intimacy with him. So it's a win for me either way -- stay closed? I get greater emotional intimacy with him, fantasy fodder, and titillation. Open up? I have all the above PLUS the DH legwork done or well in place before moving on to the rest of the polymath.

All polyships contain within it many other "mini relationships" that make up the whole and a ding in any tier can spew emotional vomit on the rest. That is the risk reality. Joys in any tier can create joys elsewhere. That is the risk ideal/hope.

Quote:
i dont want to sound selfish about my husband's love. he is a very amazing man and i've never met anyone like him. i just want to always feel more special to him than any other woman...
And HOW would he be showing you that you are special to him? Because that you can quantify and list so he can do these things to show you his esteem of you in the way you prefer.

But then you have to own this bag -- say he does every item on your list. And you still don't feel special enough. Are you going to face the inner work of WHY you do not feel special yet? Or make the poor man go on and on and on trying to please in a quarter where he actually has no control.

He cannot control how you feel. YOU cannot control how you feel when you feel it. You can only decide to react or act with intent in response to emotion. So the work is your bag -- "He is doing all I ask and I still do not feel special. Did I not articulate all my wants and needs? Am I holding an unreasonable expectation? Am I feeling anxiety and letting this color my world? Am I feeling depression? Anger? Am I being an emotionally avoidy person -- expecting him to make it all better when really I have some stuff in my bag to unpack and drop and leave behind me because it no longer serves me well?"

Quote:
i want to ask all the right questions before i actually find the perfect woman for me/us because i dont want to get in the middle of an emotional relationship with the woman and then decide "no not working". i am a "life partner" type person. i have never dated anyone i didnt try to make it work for life.
Yay. So keep on thinking it out before you even go there.

What if this woman dumps YOU because it isn't working for her any more? She's not a thing, she's a real being, even if not yet in your life. So how will you cope with the break up when the shoe is on the other foot? Thought that out yet?

So what if DH is willing to try and things are swimmingly well on your polymath tier of you + GF. Then he trips on the tier of DH to (you+GF) and doesn't want to hold his own bag and wants you to dump her. Do you dump her if he refuses to do his own bag work? Dump him for being emotionally avoidy? Support them in unpacking their own bags and assessing what they need to keep/lose but NOT get sucked into doing their work for them or carrying their baggage for them? Are you good with boundaries or weak? Where's your limit in baggage?

Again -- GF is not actually here to ask. But DH is. Sort out your baggage -- what you can of it now BEFORE you open up.

Every relationship has rights and responsibilities. Define and articulate to yourselves what yours are. Here's mine. So far DH and I continue strong, and my OSO and I? Enjoyed a long good run and parted ways in good terms and with grace. No complaints anywhere -- just a bit of sadness at the parting but it was a great parting. And a little bittersweet? That made the joys that much more delicious. We took a risk, kept it real, flew that kite as long as it could fly, and enjoyed it.

I cannot ask for more and I'm grateful to both men for flying that polyship with me as well as it did.

People always found it odd that I always ask about exes and breaks up on the first date. It's my litmus.

They either squirm and hem and haw and that tells me all I need to know and I'm out just some time and the cost of my coffee. No big. That's the price I pay in dating world.

Or they laugh when I tell them "Well, I want to know what to expect when WE break up. Because if you are a horrible breaker upper then better off for ME to break up with you after a date or two so your horribleness doesn't upset me too much because I didn't get in too deep. I'll tell you mine -- and you decide if my break up history red flags for ya or not. We could then do a first date breaking up when the date is over with a friendly hug and call it "nice time, not flying this kite beyond this point" and both of us can walk away feeling good it was a decent date, amusing evening, but just not a runner for more than that."

I've already talked to DH many times about how we want out rship to end. Because one day it will. We're hoping it is "death do us part." But we can't see the future so we've already dealt with "So we fall out of love. How do we navigate a good divorce and come out on the other side as good exes and friends and keep it real in the transition?"

If you cannot have that kind of conversation with your DH now before you even open? Don't open. And STILL have that conversation anyway.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-21-2012 at 10:17 AM.
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