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Old 07-21-2012, 04:41 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 17
Default Fears and Rules (one month update)

If you're interested, the start is here. TL;DR: After 4 years of stalling, we're giving real poly a try.

DH (let's call him Captain) and I, after much further discussion, decided this was something we were comfortable trying. And so I met his interest (let's call her Jenga) for drinks, and we talked, and... she's actually really nice. I get the impression she is sincere and respectful. Hot damn.

So I give the thumbs-up, and Captain and Jenga meet up for sexy time, and they have a great time. And I expect to be a trainwreck of nerves and anxiety and cry myself to sleep, because that's what happened last time. But... I'm not. I'm actually really, really ok. Interesting. Well, I did say I learned something after last time, and we are definitely talking about things a lot more and a lot more thoroughly, and I feel like our communication is a million lightyears ahead of where it was. Whatever the key, this is working. Nice. =)

So it continues, and at this point it's been a (whole!) month. There have been ups (our sex life has shot through the freaking roof) and downs (I struggle with an overly sensitive sense of fairness that triggers my insecurity) and a few small explosions (like the time I expected him to read my mind when his obsessive texting on our trip out of town started to grind on my nerves), but overall I am very satisfied with how things are going. The Captain is happy, he's taking excellent care of me, we're talking and talking and talking and I think we both feel really good about things. Yay!!

Now, the Captain and I have a fair number of limiting "rules" - frequency and type of contact, sex practices, etc. We established these rules years ago as a structured framework under which we felt comfortable exploring. One of those rules is that he (or I, I suppose, though it's not really applicable to me due to the differing circumstances) will have extramarital sexual contact no more than once per week. As his preference is to choose women whom he enjoys as a person and not just a warm hole (!), we've also allowed for a second weekly "friend date" - lunch, coffee, movie, whatever - provided that it is a platonic, hands-off, friends-only time. We agreed to these terms four years ago and until now have not really had any reason to revise them.

But I've been thinking and it's becoming clear to me that these rules are just a result of my fear. I'm afraid he's going to get too close to someone, so I limit their time together. I'm afraid he'll put more effort into sexing up someone else than he'll put into sexing up me, so I limit their availability.

This seems patently stupid to me.

I really want to just be able to say, "I trust you. Do what feels right and makes you happy," and trust that I am a major part of that equation. And I KNOW I am. I know that. In my head, I know that. But my gut isn't so easy to convince. It doesn't function rationally. It looks at this past month, wherein the Captain has never shied away from an uncomfortable conversation, never failed to provide reassurance, never lied to me, never made excuses, never ignored my needs when I made them known, and it says, "But what if....?"

My Captain is amazing, and he is amazingly good to me, and he would move heaven and earth to make me happy. If I would just put my trust in his hands I know he would not steer me wrong. But I am afraid. How do I get myself to a place, emotionally, where I can let go of these rules?
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