I guess I'm poly. Hi, everyone.
I originally found this forum while searching for some insight that I could use in my day-to-day life; I didn't intend to register until I realized that there's no one in my "real life" I can talk to yet, and some company might be nice.
So, about me and my situation: I'm a 22-year-old, gay-with-occassionally-heterosexual-tendencies female. I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with a girl I am crazy about.
Meh. I often hate long monologues about myself, but I'm just gonna go for it. Basically, when I was 15 I met another girl (we'll call her 'L') who I feel madly in love with. I've never really clicked so intensely with anyone before or even since. We were together for four years before breaking up pretty badly. We had a cluster of issues; a major one was her growing distance from me and my growing jealousy toward her relationships with other girls. After we broke up, I was determined not to feel that sort of jealousy every again, or to ever make anyone feel like I was stifling or limiting them. I was determined to love myself to the point where someone COULD cheat on me, and I'd be okay.
So, flash forward almost 2 years, I haven't talked to L at ALL in that whole time, I'm with a new amazing girl who we'll call 'B', whom I adore. Well, L walks back in to my life and my feelings for her haven't diminished one bit. She confesses her undying love for me and I spend the next few months feeling like a jerk, feeling like I must feeling more strongly for ONE of them, but it's not true. Finally, I decide not to see either of them. I break up with B and tell L that I'm willing to see her casually but that I'm not sure of my feelings for her, as I thought I loved B, too.
Usually in this situation, normal mono people say, "if you think you love both of them, you must not REALLY love either of them." Well, I think this is total bullish*t now, but at the time I wasn't seriously considering polyamory so I kind of accepted it.
Anyway, L and I broke off all contact AGAIN for nearly another two years. In this time I start a relationship with yet another girl (let's call her 'Z'!), my current gf, who in many ways is the most satisfying partner I've ever had. I can trust this girl completely, she's so genuine and sensual and I truly adore her. We've been together about a year and a half and, big surprise, L gets a hold of me again. I'm led to believe she's interested in being friends, and that excites me. Honestly, I've always seen her as my best friend who I happen to be highly attracted to. However, just having her in my life totally trumps any desire for sex with her so a "friendship" is preferable at this point.
Shit, this is way too long...if I were more considerate I'd edit it, but that's happening.
Anyway, I visit L (she lives about 3 hours away), we have a fantastic time, share some drinks, and at the end of the night she kisses me for a minute or so, we stop, and drama drama. She tells me she's never been happy with anyone else, that she can't stop thinking about me, that in the NINE freaking years we've known each other, she's never truly wanted anyone else.
Needless to say, I'm pretty speechless at that point. Here's the thing: I basically realized a while ago that I don't believe that monogamy is the most superior form human relationship, nor even the healthiest. I'm not interested in serial monogamy. I'm not interested in loving someone completely, only for it to end somehow and convince myself that the next one will turn out "better", or that I somehow didn't truly "love" the previous people. I think that of you can love more than one person in the course of a lifetime, there's no reason you can't love more than one person at the SAME time.
Honestly, I see monogamy as more a product of cultural conditioning than any biological necessity or "higher purpose" (as many religions might have you believe). But I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys that. :P
But I still have my doubts. I wonder if all this is my excuse to be selfish. I what a polyamorous life looks like, if I can handle the consequences and implications of my own evolving philosophy. I don't know that I can overcome feelings of jealousy. I can picture my girlfriend with some people, and actually feel pretty aroused, happy for her; picture her with others and I feel myself getting jealous. Worse, I'm not sure our relationship could even survive me "coming out" as polyamorous; it would devastate her. I only just told the truth to L via email, whom I haven't heard back from yet.
Whew. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read and respond to that. I swear I don't normally write stuff like this, I just feel like my mind is reeling and don't know how to cope. It's like, I want to love authentically, which I know would involve multiple relationships, recognizing my own and others capacity to love and have unique relationships. At the same time I just dot know if I'm emotionally mature enough, or how to gain that maturity.