Just wrote this to Brad via text:
"My heart is bigger than I am. Unfortunately."
"My brain doesn't have a hope in hell most of the time"
Its been a crazy week. Ken has found himself a girlfriend. A monogamous one. She happens to be my co-worker of 10 years and a close friend. We were at a party a couple of weeks go and I let her know that he would be there and reminded her that he is single. The rest took care of itself.
This friend and I sent our kids to the same day care, she guided me through the early years of my son being born, half her wardrobe is stuff I've given her that was once mine, we have spoken in depth about poly and I have watched her go through a lot of relationships. I've supported her and she me through some major life journeys.
Last I heard she would not date a man who's heart is not fully focussed on her. She doesn't think she could be in a relationship with someone who is not monogamous. At one point she wouldn't date PN when I suggested it because he is with me. At the time I thought about it after and realised that would be difficult for us all as I work with her. I would be working with my metamour. A situation I would try to avoid. As it is, I don't usually allow myself to be friends with co-workers, but her and I have always resonated on a different level than most and I have always thought that if we didn't work together its likely we would be closer friends. I purposely separate myself from too much emotional entanglement with people at work. It just hasn't faired well in the past.
I tried to back away, earlier this week, by telling him I thought I should not talk to him for awhile, but he isn't budging on trying to work out a friendship right now. I didn't want her to find out he loves me, but I actually think he really doesn't now. I wonder if he really ever did. He said things that convinced me believe him but I think he loved a notion of something better for himself. He could have that with her, I thought, if I backed away. Kind of a gift from me to their possible future together.
Now I am realising that I am likely being demoted in Ken's eyes. What once was a situation of my being a fill in girlfriend is now a situation of my being a friend. I didn't realise that in making the choice a few monthes back, to not date him because he was going through a break up and I didn't want to be a rescue gf, that I would end up in so much pain as I watch him move on. That I would be in pain watching my ecstatic friend.
I chose Brad. I chose the four I am close to... There is really no time for more. I realised that and I felt I had to go with what looked like the best option. He needed more than I could give. It was a good choice because my love for Brad has grown into something that works. I have four already now but my heart is bigger than the universe it feels like. Time and other things in life get in the way I guess. Its just how it is.
Don't get me wrong. I knew this day would come. I practised what I would make my brain think. I sat in those feelings and decided that the ones I was forcing myself to sit in were appropriate and healthy for all of us. In the mean time we grew closer. Physically we didn't get closer, but mentally we did and therefore my heart followed suit. I was proud of the fact I had a plan to search out the feeling of a friend seeing two friends happy together and will find that again inside me and grasp on as hard as I can.
I need time now. Its all happened so fast and as it should, but I need time to heal again. This seems to be a year of that kind of roller coaster. I'm exhausted through lack of sleep and "fucked heart" syndrome (as I said to Brad).
Mono doesn't get it. I don't really want to involve him in any of this anyway as I feel he judges me (my perception, he says he's confused) and last time I went through hurt he went elsewhere for attention. That is still to fresh right now to trust he won't do that again.
PN listens, as does derby. They pass on what they know from their infinite wisdom and what they know of Ken and I. I piece it all together as best I can.
Tonight I will meet up with Ken for what I think will be a mock break up to our mock love affair. Perhaps things will be clearer after that and after a weekend away from work and a weekend for him to indulge in his new love.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM