Thanks for that feedback, I appreciate it.
The idea behind me not talking to my lover about how I feel is more that I feel that it's MY issue, not ours. Therefore I don't think it's right to dump it on him; I'd much rather deal with my feelings on my own. I'm not really sure how though which is one reason why I am here.
It's also not that I'm not into kink, because I do enjoy some activities very much. I'm just not into D/s. And it's definitely not that I don't want him to be happy. I would feel awful knowing he wasn't getting regular sex if he had no one local. I care about him so why would I want him to be miserable?
Frankly, these feelings are about as unattractive and un-fun as they get. I get that when a relationship is more than sex, there will be some un-fun elements to it, but most of the time I think it's better to enjoy the positive in a relationship. That's a big reason why I don't want to talk about my feelings, too.
Please keep in mind that he doesn't identify as poly, either. I think for both of us that it's a very loaded, heavy term. I'm having enough trouble dealing with the idea that I might be, because I have never seen myself that way.
No, I really didn't get rid of my other partners because of him. One wasn't able to see me with the frequency I wanted, so I didn't feel like keeping in touch with him to have sex once every three months, and the other treated me like a booty call which I hate. I gave him a chance to shape up, and he didn't, so I cut him loose.
I am actively searching for a couple more local sex-only partners and my lover is aware of that, but similarly understands that he cannot see me often enough to meet my needs, either. Believe me, if he was local, I'd be banging him 2-3x a week and not wanting to see anyone else! Although I guess he we wouldn't have as much time together then. Even a once a week overnight might be tough to manage. But anyway, it's irrelevant.
Yes, I am dealing with NRE, but it makes me feel more loving towards my husband as well. It's actually been interesting. My lover makes me so happy, that I am happier and more appreciative of my husband.
Yes, it would bother the hell out of me if we had equal time. I'll be honest. I don't care that she had a relationship with him first, I still want to be first among his girlfriends. I know that isn't what poly is about, but I'm still wired that way.
It's just such an odd situation. We had started off thinking we were going to be a one night stand and we obviously have started a different path. So a lot of the stuff that you guys take for granted, just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't go looking for a relationship, I went looking for sex. And certainly found it! So the parts about determining long term compatibility etc... I don't think like that because if it meant we had to have a shallower relationship to keep having amazing sex, I'd be okay with that. I mean, I'd hurt a lot, but the sex really is that incredible that I'd deal with it. I would much rather have a loving relationship with him, but the sex part is certainly far better than nothing!
I'm just really not sure how to behave around him at times.