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Old 07-20-2012, 10:24 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485
Default Husband breaking up with GF, shift in poly-situation

I've written about it in other threads, but here's the background:
My husband has been with his GF for about a year. I had issues with her from the very beginning because she has another BF in another city who does not know about her relationship with my husband. Basically, she was / is living 2 seperate lives.
This has been the source of many heated and emotional arguments between me and my husband. I had big problems accepting her into my life because she was not open and honest, and I had problems accepting the fact that my husband seemed to be accepting of all this.

There were some safe sex rules broken recently. My husband was sorry and apologized, but also said: but I trust her completely!

Turns out she was not to be trusted.. he found out this week that she was lying to him about being with another guy (initially just lying about spending time with him, and then lying about the fact that she did have sex with him). BTW this was not the other BF, but a completely different guy.
Husband and GF had the explicit agreement that for both, it was ok to date / sleep with others, but that they would always be open and honest about it. Husband has told GF numerous times that he does not want to be treated like she treats her other BF. And now, this is exactly what happened.. the difference being, that my husband found out.

He is hurt and sad and confused. They have been emailing back and forth and she's coming up with the stupidest excuses for her cheating. I can see that my husband is angry about being lied to, but I know he also still loves her, and I am worried that when they meet in person to talk things over he will come under her spell again. He's a very smart and sensible man but he's done some weird things when in NRE with her before, and she's a very strange, complex, crazy woman who seems to be able to get away with a LOT. (He's been attracted to women like that all his life. Both his exes before me were like that: taking no responsibilities, crazy, impulsive, lying. I'm a completely different person, and I think it makes perfect sense that in our poly life, he picked someone like that to be his GF - its what he's drawn to).

So far, I've managed not to say "I told you so". I'm trying to be supportive, and just comfort him when he's sad, and listen to his rants. He has already said that maybe, he can forgive her, and that they can find a new way of being in a relationship - much more casual, not as committed on his part, but still a warm and possibly even sexual relationship.
When he said this I told him that while it's not my business how he chooses to manage his relationships, I don't want her sleeping in my bed anymore. (She was spending a lot of time in our house while I was spending time with my boyfriend). Was that a very unreasonable thing to ask for?

The other thing is.. and this is really confusing.. while I think that this is, in the end, a toxic relationship for him and not healthy, part of me does not want him to break up with her for some very selfish reasons that I'm ashamed to admit.
I have two lovers (my BF who I see very often, and another lover I see about once every 4-6 weeks). If my husband breaks up with GF the balance in our poly marriage will be completely gone. I'm worried he's ging to resent me spending time with my other partners, that he will need more of me now that he no longer has his other partner.
Yeah like I said this feels incredibly selfish. But still...

anyway, just venting I guess...
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years

Last edited by Cleo; 07-20-2012 at 10:26 AM.
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