Originally Posted by bacon
I have asked if he would come to visit me but he said no because there's nothing where I live, I live in a small east coast town compared to LA.
I recently asked if he would come to a optional weekend conference in September, because I won't see him again until December. An that's when he told me he had to spend time with his primary, which broke my heart a little cause I barely get to see him, and would like to see him more.
He has said to me that when we are together it's on when we aren't it's off, whatever that means...
I've never met his primary, but I was told she has looked me up lol, and that I'm young and cute.
I guess I'm scared of speaking up because I don't want to ruin things I really have un-expectantly fallen for him. I sometimes create dreams in my head where I'm in a V with him and his primary. Crazy I know...
GalaGirl has some great questions. Sparlkepop does too. I might repeat some suggestions but -
I know I'll never be my boyfriend's wife/cohabitating partner (caveat, I do have my own husband, I'm open to multiple important relationships, I am not coming from a single viewpoint) but I ask the hard questions. I sucked it up and asked for how much time I'd LIKE and my bf said that would not work because of his current arrangements with other partners. Sure that was awkward but we negotiated something that would be a compromise that everybody could live with. I've had plenty of uncomfortable discussions with people I date. That and other things like it (time/vacation/overnights/sexual activities/other sexual partner & STI questions etc) are something I verbally discuss when I get emotionally involved with somebody no matter if it's "primary or secondary". It is a relief!!! to know vs guessing.
A "secondary partner" can ask for anything, just like you would a monogamous partner, just don't always expect the answer is going to be a "yes"
My blunt advice is - the vibe I get is that I don't trust he isn't cheating - have you asked to briefly email with his partner? If he's said she looked you up and you're "young and cute" but he wont let you two chat...run like fucking hell. I don't care how much you have fallen for him. Don't ever give him the time of day. Most people fall for unsuitable people in their lifetimes. If it's not adding to your life instead of subtracting, move on. A few things you say don't give me the impression he is poly. You also don't directly say what he said in regards to his relationship dynamic.
Otherwise I agree that he's made it clear he's glad to be with you when you're in the same place, but you can't expect or rely on him for anything further. Are you interested in just being"friends" with benefits?
From all I've heard (and you know, from watching that movie "he's not that into you" (was that a movie?)) If a guy wants you and likes you, it does not matter how boring of a place you live in, because he's coming to see YOU - and looking forward to have lots of fun sex and then spending bonding hours spent wandering through the grocery store to get food to make more energy for more fun sex. If he wont come see YOU, there's a pretty good chance he doesn't consider you a potential partner, except for sexual.