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Old 07-20-2012, 08:21 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I'd wanted to post something but had put it off since I didn't have any brilliant suggestions (well except that him seeing a counselor solo might help...thats not brilliant exactly) I suffer from similar issues - my husband Adam makes agreements with me, then when he meets somebody he likes who directly contradicts our list of agreements, instead of not pursuing, or stopping pursuing after it's pointed out to him that it breaks our agreement, his first instinct is to do the "Well but..." and start listing reasons why our agreements don't apply to this person because he feels there are extenuating circumstances.

However I've been lucky, all these things have been hashed out early. It's not nice that I've had to be firm and repetitive and downright "naggy wife" far too often for my tastes to get him to stick to our agreements, but your post makes me feel lucky because as he isn't assertively sexual, I haven't had to deal with same sort of fallout - he moves slow so it is usually dealt with in early dating stages. Still, our #1 poly issue has been our short little bullet pointed list of succinct & clearly stated B&W agreements by literal me, and regular mis or re-interpreting of them by non-literal him to suit what he is feeling at the time. As I said, I see a lot of similarities between us with our problem, but mine seems so mild compared to yours due to a differing sex drive in our partners. Considering what a stress is it on me, I can only imagine what you are dealing with.

I wish I had a magic fix for situations like this. I mean I'd say "nobody can come around our kids until X, X and X happens" (for me it'd probably you two feel like you've built a friendship/X amount of time has passed and you're still dating/they've made an effort to build a camaraderie with me/us) and stick to it, but that doesn't lessen the impact on your relationship at all or make it any less of a burden on you. Obviously I agree that you don't deserve it as you've worked really hard to establish your boundaries as have I. It's brave and really an amazing amount of work to figure out and stick to your boundaries, and therefore defeating to have somebody see your boundaries as abstract instead of black and white, or try to rewrite boundaries whenever somebody new and shiny comes along. To me it seems like there's no choice in a situation like that to become more and more of a hardass dick. Not the best thing in a loving relationship, but when you have kids to put first...well I have to imagine I'd be a lot more of a dick in these situations if I had them...

I'm just wishing you luck.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 07-20-2012 at 06:42 PM.
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