My dear, I am so sorry. :hug: Again, I apologize if this is hard to hear.
I do apologize for the rather dramatic suicidal thought in there... I've just recently discovered I may have clinical depression.
It is NOT overdramatic. Is IS what it IS. Do not
minimize your feelings and/or your pain. Please continue to try to seek treatment for your clinical depression side and if at ANY time you get that urge call 911. This is your HEALTH, your LIFE at stake here.
I have lost people to suicide, and I know people battling depression - it is an ongoing daily battle they bravely
fight every minute of every day in a war within themselves. It is not flashy courage... it's the quiet courage. But courage all the same.
If you broke up, and then got back together, and then there was the whole railroading you into marriage over keeping a volunteer job angle... when were living together, were you/are you financially trapped into staying there? No other place to go and you ended up in some horrible cage? Please, please be safe. Please seek help when ready, and please read the resources at Speak Out Loud linked in my previous post. You do not sound totally safe there.
And as a youth advisor -- is he after the kids? Are you worried about that? Is there history already of that?
Our church background screens for that for ALL people volunteering in church positions but even so... I know there's cracks in any system of volunteers a smoothie can slip in through.
Three months later, we still hadn't consummated because a) I was still a virgin at that time and b) still wasn't sure I wanted to be married. He decided that it was time for us to consummate, despite protests from me. It was the most painful experience of my life, both physically and emotionally. I cried the whole time, kept saying, "Please stop..." and "No, I don't want to..." but, he insisted. And somehow, because we were married, it wasn't rape.
It IS rape. You are NOT a slut. You are a struggling person whose first sexual encounter was a marriage bed rape. I do not know if you have been able to articulate that to your depression doc. I hope whoever gave you the clinical depression dx was someone you can trust to share it NOW if you didn't at first. I hope you still have access to medical care. I do not know how free you can be in your world.
I don't know why I don't just....want to have sex all the time. He wants it at least 5 times a week...I'm lucky to want it five times a month...but, I give him what I can. He's told me that he appreciates what I do give him, but it isn't what he wants, so he will keep on it until he gets what he wants.
1) Who wants to get it on with their rapist?
2) Depression affects libido
3) Read that sentence again:
He's told me that he appreciates what I do give him, but it isn't what he wants, so he will keep on it until he gets what he wants.
You are being ordered to surrender willing to a softer rape when you do not want it or else -- the threat to get raped anyway just more harshly? How is that for a libido killer? Some choice -- "Softer rape" or "harder rape" -- rape threat is still rape threat! Rape is still rape! So of course you have NO DESIRE here.
This is sex used as a weapon, not loving interaction in a marriage.
If you have to do what you have to do to survive -- no blame there. But on the inside? Speak your truth to yourself. Do not lose the real you. Keep hope alive that you can get yourself to aid when you are ready.
...all I want is a poem or something creative from him. Because he's *really* good it at that stuff...and it's time that he spends thinking about me. But, that's not what he wants to give me... It just seems a double standard to me, but when I say that, he has some sort of logical reason for it not being one...
Playing mind games, he has the power and control if he keeps you off balance.
Take highlighter to list,
and ID the ones used on you. Note the favorite playgrounds. Destroy it later if you have to, but speak it out loud to yourself if even at a whisper when ready.
I am so sorry you are enduring this. Hang in there. Seek parents, minister, BF, someone you can trust to help get you OUT of this when ready. Call women's shelters -- see if there are openings when you decide you are ready. The leaving time is very dangerous. No blame if you have to marshall yourself together first for a while. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive. But please try to as safe as you can in the meanwhile while you learn things, gather yourself intenally, and so forth. Make ready to make the hard choices ahead when YOU decide. I could understand if you feel too unsafe to do anything just yet.
But I acknowledge and validate to you that you have courage, the quiet kind, to even get this
far. You have strength.
I dunno. I'm sorry. This is my group therapy. :-( I feel stupid actually *saying* this stuff to people...probably because I think they're judging me somehow. So, I just try to deal with it myself; you can see how this works. :-\
You are not stupid. Nobody will judge you. There are assholes in the world, yes. But there are also many who share your story. I won't out the ones I know, but I know. Rape is horrible.
You can go to postsecret.com and search for "rape" and see how many anon cards are on that. It is a burden many carry. You are not alone even if sometimes you feel you are.
If you are struggling in Stage 1, know you aren't the first and sadly won't be the last - both men and women get hurt and abused and yes... raped.
You may not be ready to act. You may only just be starting to name (just even to yourself) what has been done to you. You may not be ready to tell people in real life. Perhaps you will choose your next baby step to be something not an online forum. Maybe an anon hotline. Maybe send a postsecret of your own. But you have power too. You can have control too. You have power to choose. You can choose when you feel ready to try at a louder volume. You already chose to whisper.
I cannot say it enough to you -- you have quiet courage, you have value, worth, and dignity.
You are not to blame, you are not a slut, you are not stupid, you are not evil. You are a struggling person with a heavy burden.
There is no shame in that. Many struggle in life.
You DO have worth, dignity and value.
PS: Y'all have made me cry on numerous occasions just by stating things like, "You have worth, dignity, and value" and other such things. Having lived a life of being the uber-geek/nerd and being told your dumb, fat, and ugly have really taken a toll. At least the hubs and the bf both believe in me...
I acknowledge that enduring emotional tear down takes a toll. *hug* It is sucky.
I don't know how your BF is or how he enters the picture. If he's actually a healthy person in your life or another unhealthy person draining you. I will hope healthy but only you can know. You are the one living your life.
But if this is what DH is in your world, then you are married to your rapist, and he is automatically
untrustworthy with your care and well being.
You have been in a situation where you are being torn down and torn up inside. Probably been around the block a few times on the cycle of abuse.
You may hope he will decide to change so you do not have to endure any more. But everyone gets to a point where they can endure no more and must act. Sigh.
You may not be ready to speak it out loud in real life, you may not be ready to leave this horrible situation. But please, please take care of you as best you can in the meanwhile, and keep your spark of quiet courage alive inside in whatever ways you can find.
Even if it is only at a whisper volume still -- you've done a lot coming online already to break silence.
But it's a long road, and you will need professional care at some point when YOU choose you are ready, not just internet strangers. But please know this
internet stranger sincerely wish you well, and hopes for a better future where you can be free and be better.
You DO have worth, dignity and value. Remember that.