*hug* I don't think you are a fool. I think you are struggling here with people who aren't playing ball with you. Maybe it's too new in PolyLand for all of you at just a year in and you all do not know how. There's nothing wrong with pee wee league. We do not all start in the major leagues. The point is to actually make it to practices and GROW THE SKILLS.
You seem to be showing up for practice while they're playing hookie/avoidy a bit.
Take it to paper, hon. Play ball, people. If you want to be in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP to each other, play ball!
Print your answers in this thread, chop up your sentences. I'm sure you can color in more if you want to type more sentences. Dump on table. Sort in piles.
1) GF is the slowest speed. Dealing in jealousies and trust stuff now that the sex threesome becomes a full on romance triad + sex that is closeted, cohabitating, and coparenting.
2) You have unmet intimacy needs because you do not have a calendar schedule on the wall. Because you are not out, and have to lay low in day time, and because you have shift work, there needs to be planned time for connection between
- you+ BF
- you + GF
- BF + GF,
- you + BF+ GF fun times
- and then you + BF + GF family meeting (calendar, daily chores, etc)
Organize your choppy sentences in piles like this:
YOUR suggestions for solutions/compromises:
BF suggestions for solutions/compromises:
GF suggestions for solutions/compromises:
Once you do that, you can take a peek at where there is missing information. Plan to go GET IT from the people at the horse's mouth!
But do accountability check on the communication subproblems. Is everyone holding up their ends of the sticks? If you were in my world?
People in this polyship have:
- The right to clear communication from partner
- The right to expect support from partner
- The right to be nurtured from partner
- The right to get your needs met from partner
- The right to responsiveness from partner
- The right to constructive feedback from partner
People in this polyship are:
- Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
- Responsible for following through on promises
- Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
- Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
- Responsible for emergency preparedness
- Responsible for caring for your own equipment/stuff
This 3 person polyship contains these relationships inside it. Hello, polymath! Are the rights and responsibilities held up high in EACH tier or what? Who is not holding their sticks well? Why? What can the polyship do to help improve that area? What can the INDIVIDUALS do to improve holding their own bag if they dropped a ball somewhere?
- YOU to yourself as part of a polyship (vs some footloose single. What YOU do/do not do and behave like affects the polyship. You seem to get the needs and wants out, but shirk a bit on your hard limits. Get some firm in. You don't even seem to have soft limits well.)
- You to GF
- You to BF
- You to (GF + BF) (<-- you seem to want to respect this to a point where you hurt your own needs. Respect, sure. bend over backward doormat, no)
- You + GF + BF functioning as a triad (<-- reads as weak to me... still only a year in so perhaps growing? polyship infancy? First poly for you? Them?)
- GF to herself (<-- is she owning and working on her trust, jealous stuff to move all rship forward or heel dragging? does she get the nurture support she needs to progress? )
- GF to You
- GF to BF (<-- do they have something going on you do not know that is causing spillover on YOU?)
- GF to (you + BF) <-- she has a prob respecting this when you are trying to have alone time
- BF to himself (sounds like he also emotional work avoidy. He gonna address that?)
- BF to You (<-- he kind shirky on boundaries with GF telling her to step off when she cross lines interrupting your times)
- BF to GF (<-- he kinda knuckles to her a lot. Is this enabling her to avoid her personal tier work?)
- BF to (you + GF)
- BF + GF+ You
You can fill in the blanks for yourself. I really don't expect you to post it here in public. But that's how I take it to paper, so to speak. It helps me see what's what in the links in the polyship chain, what is strong, what is weak, what needs beefing up, etc. I colored in what I perceive and I own that I could be wrong, guessing, whatever. It's just example -- for you to move it to what really is.
YOU after all, are the one living this with your polyship peeps.
Hang in there!