Sorry I've neglected reading your responses here... I've been extremely busy--I'm finishing a Master's program this year and have been arduously trying to maintain my 4.0.
I do apologize for the rather dramatic suicidal thought in there... I've just recently discovered I may have clinical depression.
The "one defining moment" in my husband's and my relationship.... y'all will probably laugh at me, but...
We'd only gotten back together for about 4 months when our church dictated that, since we were "living together" (in separate rooms), we had to get married to continue on in the youth leadership positions we had. I was fully ready to step down because I knew no one else wanted my job--that's why I had it. But, the Husband agreed and we drove to Vegas and got married there. HIS WORDS: "We'll get married and tell the church, then we can get it annulled, if you want." That was what I'd consented to.
Three months later, we still hadn't consummated because a) I was still a virgin at that time and b) still wasn't sure I wanted to be married. He decided that it was time for us to consummate, despite protests from me. It was the most painful experience of my life, both physically and emotionally. I cried the whole time, kept saying, "Please stop..." and "No, I don't want to..." but, he insisted. And somehow, because we were married, it wasn't rape.
He says that he's only made one major mistake in our relationship....but that isn't it.
So....there's that. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know why I don't just....want to have sex all the time. He wants it at least 5 times a week...I'm lucky to want it five times a month...but, I give him what I can. He's told me that he appreciates what I do give him, but it isn't what he wants, so he will keep on it until he gets what he wants.
...all I want is a poem or something creative from him. Because he's *really* good it at that stuff...and it's time that he spends thinking about me. But, that's not what he wants to give me... It just seems a double standard to me, but when I say that, he has some sort of logical reason for it not being one...
I dunno. I'm sorry. This is my group therapy. :-( I feel stupid actually *saying* this stuff to people...probably because I think they're judging me somehow. So, I just try to deal with it myself; you can see how this works. :-\
PS: Y'all have made me cry on numerous occasions just by stating things like, "You have worth, dignity, and value" and other such things. Having lived a life of being the uber-geek/nerd and being told your dumb, fat, and ugly have really taken a toll. At least the hubs and the bf both believe in me...
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." ~Susan B. Anthony