I guess I'm scared of speaking up because I don't want to ruin things I really have un-expectantly fallen for him. I sometimes create dreams in my head where I'm in a V with him and his primary. Crazy I know...
Are you talking about a cohabitating "V" or something like that down in the future? Is that a dream or a goal that is a dealbreaker if that isn't even on the table for them?
How will you know if you do not ASK?
What type rship is this anyway? Now that it's been 9 mos in? Why
do you not know?
I don't think they have you at their mercy. I think you don't assert yourself and state you wants, needs, and limits. Are you waiting for a golden invitation to do so?
How can you hope to get what you want if you don't broadcast what you seek? It's like fishing without bait on the hook and with the wrong type pole, maybe in the wrong type water! (puzzled)
He has said to me that when we are together it's on when we aren't it's off, whatever that means...
That is called a relationship of presence -- you are there it's there, you are not, it is not. But what type rship then? The rship of presence?
- Is it fuckbuddy? No strings then?
- Or some kind of special occassions physical, some emotional connection, kinda tertiary thing then? He's the hinge and you two are the "V" arms? Are there more lovers in his world you need to know about?
- Or is it something else?
You are talking "secondary." I get "tertiary" or "fuckbuddy" vibes. People mean different things so clarify what YOU two who are in the actual rship mean. So it circles back around to your needing to speak up to GET CLEAR here.
I don't get the vibe either that you have had the conversation with him to get on the same page in vocab and swap the cards to see if what ye seek is what he seeks and it's a good match for this time. What kind of rship is this? What are the expectations? How long is it running for before we reassess -- a year? What are the parameters? Rights and responsibilites?
Again -- more talking to do.
I'd probably want to know where this stands more clearly then. To me it sounds like he wants it to be like a relationship of presence tertiary thing or more a "conference fuckbuddy hookups thing" -- so which is it?
If it is something you want to sign up for, cool. Neither is "wrong" -- just make sure it is the same thing YOU are seeking here.
If it isn't what ye seek? Renegotiate and if not negotiable, check out.
There really isn't much more to say. Live in limbo or speak up and get some clarity. If you are not willing to speak, then it's limbo land. And if you have fallen emotionally, you are playing games with your own emotional safety to let this carry on, without clarifying the type of rship this is, and you are not giving him full information on your feelings. That is lying by omission.
So that HE could do the honorable thing if it turns out he's not seeking this, and break it off with you gently rather than carrying on a relationship where he thinks it is "apples" and you are thinking "oranges."
If he's doing some assuming/nontalking of his own... hoo-boy. Fasten seatbelts! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!