I'm totally new to poly as well and I'm wondering how does one go about become a secondary partner?
Is this what you want? If so, then you say "I'm looking to be a secondary partner. What that means to me is something like _______. Is that something you are looking for? Could it work between us?
Is it a topic you bring up with the person your dating or do you wait for them to bring it up?
Um. I want to know. So I open my mouth and just ASK. If this isn't a runner here, I want to know, process and move on. Not wait forever. People are not mind readers. It is my responsibility to articulate my wants and needs so there can be clear communication.
"So I've been thinking about ____. Up for a talk on that?" usually gets it rolling.
I feel like I’m at the mercy of the guy I’m dating and his primary a bit but is that the way things are meant to feel?
No, it is not the way it is meant to feel if this is not your desire for some kind of D/s framework thing. Yes, it can be arranged that way so "you are at their mercy" if you desire it so and it is all you guys' pleasure to have it be so. Notice that is in quotes. Even in BDSM there is consent given first before you go play "being at your mercy" stuff.
Are you not stating your wants, needs, and limits clearly? Are you shirking that responsibility of yours to the polyship? If so, why?
If you desire a different relationship structure, speak up on that if this current way of going is not floating your boat. Some people like being relieved of decision making and some people want to have a finger more in the pie. Some people want to lay out a D/s framework and then be relieved of the work, but a good sub is a good sub and still makes the limits known!
You have to know what YOU want in this polyship and are hoping to gain from it, and then make it known to your polyship people.
I’m wondering if I’m just a fling to him while I on the other hand have developed deeper feelings.
Ask. "Am I just a fling here? Friend with Benefits? What are you looking for? What am I to you? Because I'm looking for ____. Do you see it moving in that direction at some point? Are we on the same page here?"
He lives across the country and recently told me he can come to see me because he has to spend time with his primary. They live together!
And? Please expand/clarify. Where is problem?
He's says coming to see you. Is this not a yay?
Were you wanting MORE time with him? Is this a want you have articulated and spoken aloud? Or do you expect him to mind reader you?
You are dating. This is
the "get to know you time." You are not "at the mercy" of anyone. YOU choose who you want to be in relationship with. Together you negotiate what "being in right relationship with each other" is going to be like.
You communicate and negotiate with your dating people. Everyone puts out their wants and needs, their soft limits (that can negotiate in time) and their hard limits (never, no way!)
Put your cards on the table. Ask for theirs. They match up, yay. You can try to deepen the relationship. No?
Alright. No harm, no foul. We got this far and it was good. Break up and be friends then.
As a secondary you have rights.
As a person in a relationship, even a fledgling just started to date one -- you have rights and responsibilities.
Those are mine... you have to develop your own.
If at any point you are confused, the person who has the answers or can go seek out the answers is YOU.
Look within to make sure you are doing all you can do to broadcast your wants, needs, and limits to your people.
Then look without and ASK your people if there's anything else you need to be doing to be HEARD when you broadcast. And if they have any wants, needs, or limits they need to share with YOU.
in your relationship -- get that back and forth action going.