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Old 07-19-2012, 08:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,727

He promises to get his anger under control, promises to work through his jealousy and self-esteem issues, and then the next minute he's throwing me out of the house and calling me a c--t.
I don't know if it is just how you write, and if it was venty or what but dude. THROW ME OUT OF MY HOUSE WHILE CALLING ME A CUNT?! WTF!? I am WIFE. I demand better respect than that.

I'm amazed the main worry is on the BF having some dinky online/phone date and here's the husband have a mega wigginz!

Shout you are mad, fine. Slam the door and kick things in the yard, fine. But verbally abuse me and threaten my safety in my home? Hello! That's serious disrespect in my book. Dealbreaker, kiss my grits, game over bad.

This is getting into abuse stuff. This red flags for me along with all these expectations he gets mad about. Are you supposed to mind reader this stuff? Is he actually spelling it out? The push-pull of give approval for trip then have a hissy -- that's passive aggressive stuff mixed with aggressive stuff. Were indicators here before you opened up? Is he bipolar? Not taking his meds? WHAT is the deal here? (My dad is BPD and when he starts with push-pull wackies I ask him if he's taking his meds or not.)

For me in my world? All relationships have rights and responsibilities. This anger crap -- that's 3 strikes you are out, dude, if there's no damn good reason to explain like bipolar illness you cannot help you have. And if you have the illness, part of my agreement to being with you will be that you care for it properly and not pull wigginz on your loved ones!

Show me you are seriously trying to work on it? Alright, I can try to give support and nurture through the process.

But chronic hooha, escalating to places where I want to pull out the speakoutloud sheet to start checking abusive behavior? MORE than 3 times with the same dang thing and no effort, real effort being made? Classes, counseling something? Bye. I have a limit, and you must be seriously trying or else I don't need to be here as your punching bag.

You have similar prob with BF but it is not red flagging me for possible abuse. What are the rights and responsibilities there? It's the same thing. What are they? Is everyone holding up their end of the rights and responsibilites sticks?

He sounds like he stated his wants, needs, limits but you would have liked a heads up that he was going to have an online date first. Then when you finally came to clarify things, some words of affirmation FIRST rather than LAST. Tell him that preference.

See if you can work on that in your style of conflict resolution with the BF.

And map out your style of "how to best be together when now you are a dating person" because this is something new to you both. You have to learn to navigate it well and need to negotiate framework for. He raises valid points, but the way he raises it at the time he is raising in it -- dude. Could work on being a bit more sensitive.

If DH is not on his 3rd strike, and on the way out...

I'd consider changing the living situation asap. So YOU at least are not being threatened to be tossed out of the house and left homeless. Get finances arranged NOW so you have that peace of mind -- you have funds and can hit a hotel and all that and secure a flat. Because living in economic fear is another crazymaker.

You move out. DH moves out. BF moves out. Whoever. Someone -- for a year's lease as an experiment to see if this helps you get back to the place where you can live under the same roof in harmonious "V" rather than tumultuous one.

And DH must get a good health check up and enroll in some kind of anger management thing because he's not progressing on his own, or with just you guys. This has to change. Get the pros. WHAT is going on here? He need a dx or he need communication skills counseling or what? Whatever it is -- he gets it for him to help move the polyship forward.

Take a step back so later you can hope to move two forward and the overall goal of the polyship making it through being held up all the way. Is that the goal? Are all the poly crew on board with that?

But you CANNOT live together with a volatile person if every time sometime else happens you have to live in fear of being homeless and you cannot go to the BF's place for sanctuary because guess what? He lives in the same home!

DH may not be able to help what he feels when he feels it. None of us do. But damn. Stop REACTING and start learning to ACT WITH INTENT. Beating on your people is soooo not cool. People can manage to be angry without THREATS.

Something has to give. Because if you do what you have always done, you get what you have always gotten.

It's time for everyone to step up to the negotiation table and get real clear on relationship rights and responsibilities, possible solutions through this mess to try for the next year. Give it a good, serious try. Then assess the situation when time is up. What worked? What didn't? Are we done with the contract? Will we exercise option to renew for another year?

It if turns out polyship won't fly, like THIS but does fly like THAT -- let's go with it! Yay! We learned we can do it but learned we just cannot live in the same house. Too close for comfort.

If it just won't fly at all? We gave it a good SERIOUS try. We can feel good about that. Let's move to disband with some grace and see about being good exes as friends then.

But enough with the caca. That would make anyone nuts.

You have my sympathies.

But be really hard on YOU too -- if DH has struck out WAY more than 3 times by threatening you in anger like that, this is telling you something bad is here. And it may not be fixable. Don't even bother to string it on with more second chances and on trying to "find ways to make it work" if it just has been clear all along it NEVER will, and he's abuser type to you. Take a highlighter to the speakoutloud list and see if anything else in your life flags. I'm not saying you ARE being abused. I am hoping you are not! But this clangs mega bells to me. So at least take it to paper. Do that much and don't wait for a punch in the eye to make it more "real" that this is just no way to behave to a loved one.

I hope things firm up for you and move to the space they need to be at for all of you. *hug*


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-20-2012 at 01:06 AM.
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