Hi all ... this is the first time I've asked for advice from this lovely community, although I've read the forum for a year or so now. I'm in a deep dark hole and don't know how to get out of it. My questions/problems are in two parts.
I've been in a MFM vee for a year now. My husband (D) and boyfriend (C) and I live together. You can read our whole origin story, which is important to this post, here
D and I have been going through a horrible time lately. He's always been very sensitive to the level of sexual desire (low) I feel for him compared to what I feel for C, my boyfriend. It's very frustrating for me and for C, because no matter how much I reassure him that I'm in love with him and will never stop loving him and how much I value our relationship and remind him of what he provides in my life that I need, no matter how much C and I talk him through his bad moments, it never seems to get better for him. He promises to get his anger under control, promises to work through his jealousy and self-esteem issues, and then the next minute he's throwing me out of the house and calling me a c--t.
The latest blow up happened a few weeks ago. C and I were getting ready to celebrate our one year anniversary by going away together for the weekend. D had supported our trip and said he was looking forward to having the house to himself. In the week leading up to the weekend though, D began having temper tantrums, picking fights with me, and telling me he had expected me to up my level of affection toward him since he was going to be without me for the weekend and he hadn't felt I'd done that.
So, to keep the peace in the house, C and I cancelled our weekend and stayed home.
In retrospect, that wasn't the brightest idea, because it didn't help D with his anger and C and I got a bit resentful that we didn't get to go.
Fast forward: Everyone's mad at each other, a few days go by, and my and C's actual anniversary day approaches. The night before we share a passionate night together. The next morning, our anniversary morning, D completely explodes and attempts to throw me out of the house because of yet another misunderstanding and unmet expectation on his part. C manages to talk him down, but now D and I are in a stand-off. Neither one of us is talking to each other, and C is in the middle as we both talk our feelings and fears out with him -- a wonderful and supportive thing he's offering, but hard on him, you know?
So I'm hurting, wondering if my marriage is over, confused about if I'll even have a home to come to, relying too much on C for emotional support, and just overall having a crappy home life at the moment. D and I do eventually talk things out and reach a sort of peace, but there's still a lot of work to do. Ending the relationship with D is on the table, and I'm scared of the future and scared of the present. I'm in a really, really bad place. C is my only bright spot.
Then, this week, C gets a friend request on Facebook from a total stranger. A woman. She found him attractive and saw they have a lot in common. C has never really sought out new relationships, even though the option has been there. He has always said he wants our bond to be strong and our relationship solid first. But he messages her to talk and they exchange phone numbers. He does tell me about her and that he's interested and I don't object because I don't feel like I have the right to deny him even though my gut is boiling and the situation feels "off." Hey, we're polyamorous, right? That means, I don't own him, can't tell him what to do, and since we don't really have any rules, he's not doing anything wrong.
The next evening, he spends several hours on the phone with her. He doesn't tell me he's going to be talking to her (although he says I should have known that's what he was doing). He just takes his computer down to the patio and leaves me to sit on the couch all evening, alone with D. I go to bed (I alternate weeks sleeping with D one week and C the next -- it's C's week) and wait for him for two hours, not sleeping, and getting angrier and angrier and more upset that he can't even think of me long enough to take a break from talking to this stranger to come say good night.
Finally, I get up and go sleep in D's bed. I'm feeling so hurt and abandoned and unloved and just ANGRY that he choose NOW, when my life and my relationships are so confused and my heart is hurting so much over D, to pursue something with another girl.
So I confronted him about it last night. I told him how it had made me feel and he basically told me to suck it up at first, that we're polyamorous and that's how this shit rolls. Then he says that I need to manage my feelings better and that "I" could have come down to the patio and interrupted his phone call to get some attention before going to bed if I wanted it. Then he tells me that he was feeling a lot of pressure trying to hold D and I together and he thought cultivating an outside relationship would give him an outlet for that pressure. And only THEN does he assure me that I'm the #1 priority in his life and that he loves me. There are a lot of tears, a minor panic attack, much anger and frustration, and I'm still feeling raw and jealous, but I realize that denying him this outlet will just push him away and there's not much I can do about it, so I pull back. We do agree that our time together is sacred and the nights I'm with D would be more appropriate for spending time with someone else. I reach a peace with this and we go to bed, even though I'm still feeling off about the whole thing.
Then today, as I'm talking with D via IM, D tells me that C has talked to him about this girl and it's gotten, from the sounds of it, VERY serious in just those few hours on the phone, that he has a major attraction to her, and that this girl has already started talking like C and she are a couple. They haven't even met in person yet! The flood of anger and jealousy and fear and sadness just washes over me again and all I want to do is say "NO NO NO" to this and have a major meltdown freakout.
So I don't know what to do now ... do I have any right to ask C to cool this down or even break it off until a more appropriate time, when I'm feeling more stable in my mind about my life, until I figure out what to do about D and D and I get fully reconnected? I feel like my whole world is crumbling and C is sending me the message that he's about to cut and run to someone else because D and I can't keep our shit together. Do I have the right to feel as completely shitty about C's new pseudo-relationship as I do? (Can one phone call really be called a relationship?)
Insight and comments are very very appreciated ... I'm at the end of my rope.