I am sorry that you are in such a heart-wrenching situation.
To clarify - are you collared to him as a submissive or slave? Is that your role in the BDSM relationship?
Why are you expected to be monogamous whilst he can be poly? Is it a training thing?
I'm a Mistress and I do not expect fidelity, even from my collared subs. That is just my opinion. Are you / were you happy being mono to him?
I just re-read your post and realised that you said he doesn't actually know if he wants to work things out with you?
That, to me, immediately means that you should not have to take on the burden of his tears.
Yes, you could 'prove' yourself to him by helping him through this time, instead of turning your back.... but it seems like you have put up with enough.
Now, if he was telling you that he still loved you, but was depressed over her, that would be another story.
In terms of his love for this girl.... I will share my experience in the small hope that it might help.
The problem with polysexuality is that love can happen. You cannot stop love. You can say "I don't want to fall in love" and certainly pick people and situations that are less likely to lead to it.... but you cannot say for certain that you will never love someone else. Polyamory is technically the idea that you can love openly.
Now, in terms of D and his feelings for this girl.
I can say that as a Mistress, I've noticed a trend. Many of us crave not only control, but we crave to save people. We seem to have some sort of Hero(ine) complex. I personally get sucked into the troubled ones ridiculously often. I am like a magnetic for a wounded soul. Many Dom/mes I've met seem to have this inside them - this need to pick people up and fix them. It's part unwitting arrogance, part selfless strength.
I was once involved with a very selfish, immature, dishonest submissive. She was intoxicating. I didn't love her in nearly the same way that I loved my girlfriend - but I couldn't stay away from her. She made me feel alive. The love I have for my girlfriend is solid, spiritual, beautiful, passionate... everything I could want. My love for her didn't lessen because of this submissive I had fallen for. But my love for this girl was consuming, tortured, passionate, destructive. Difficult to tear myself away from. Time and time again, she caused trouble between my girlfriend and I. I just kept going back. I was convinced that I could help her become a better person, help her embrace the beauty of submission, blah blah. Toxic people are like a drug - because they push and pull, push and pull, you have a chemical reaction to them. You crave the elation of the good moments with them and you keep hanging on, waiting for your next fix.
Oh and yes, my GF tells me that I made excuses for her behaviour all the time, took her side more often, etc. In my mind, she was a bird with a broken wing who nobody else understood. It sounds like D had the same feelings for Raven.
I eventually ended with her because she crossed one of my GF's boundaries and my GF told me that she couldn't take any more. She basically gave me a choice - I could carry on seeing this girl, but we were likely to break up over it. I talked to the girl and encouraged her to make more of an effort with my GF... she flipped and ended it. I spent two months crying every day.
I could be projecting, but if D is anything like me, this could be a possible explanation for why he fell for this girl so hard and why he's such a mess now. He could have experienced the Dom need to rescue and felt a drug-like pull to her toxicity.
This doesn't mean that he has fallen out of love with you. But, if he's saying he has, you need to think about yourself.
You can repair love, trust and commitment. But you cannot be a doormat. Whatever role you play in BDSM.... emotional needs should be taken care of. You also can not force love back if it has left.... sometimes we meet people to learn from them and then it's time to learn the next lesson.
It's difficult to advise you, because it is going to take time, one way or another, to figure out if you two have something that can be saved.
As I say, I have been in his position, so I understand the torment he is going through. However, I experienced my torment whilst still wanting to be with my GF. If he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with you, he cannot use you for support.
I think you need to make some decisions on your end, before you can go any further.
What do you want from your relationship?
Would you stay if she came back?
What if he falls in love with someone else?
I know one thing for sure.... if I'd have told my girlfriend that I wasn't sure about us when I was moping on about breaking up with my sub, she'd have been out of the door. The only thing that kept her around was my insistence that I was committed to her.
You've put up with a lot. I think you need to look after yourself - not him, right now.
Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (26m): GF's submissive/third partner
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Last edited by sparklepop; 07-19-2012 at 12:27 PM.