I'm a mess
and I need some objective viewpoints on my situation and I need some serious help and/or ideas on what to do now.
I am in a BDSM relationship of 12 years. We are not married, but have one child together, and broke up for a while 8 years or so ago. When we got together it was with the understanding that while I would have no outside play partners, he retained that option. I don't have a problem with this... sex is sex, it does NOT equate to love. This never became an issue until now.
I would llike to clarify that I was NOT prepared to watch my partner fall in love with this second girl, and that I thought I understood what polyamory was until this happened.
I guess I need to give you the story...
About 5 years ago, he met this young lady, and she caught his attention. A submissive, she was collared to a married man whose wife was NOT aware. This horrid man used that collar to coerce her to be a stripper and escort, to make money to buy a boat. He would then leave his wife and sail off together... blah blah blah. She earned the money, bought the boat, fixed the boat, then he proceeded to bring his wife down, kicked her off the boat and had her sign it over to him. Yeah.
Needless to say, after having befriended this girl, neither one of us was willing to allow her to go BACK to the life of a call girl/stripper. I loved her as a friend, and wanted to help her as much as Daddy did. She was bright, pretty, and very young for her 23 years. So we moved her in here, not as part of our family, but as a friend in need. The offer was open for her to serve in a submissive role for Daddy (they had scened together, sans sex due to her collar), but no pressure was on. After several months, she agreed to join us in a Leather family, and they started sleeping together. (Still no big deal, I'm good with that.)
(He has another girlfriend, Lauren, with whom I have NO problems at all. NO jealousy, NO envy. Hell, I'd jump through hoops to make sure Lauren got her Daddy time!)
After about a year, I'm starting to feel left out... he plays with her, laughs with her, enjoys her company, allows her freedoms that I have never been offered, lets her get away with transgressions that I would have been punished and/or reprimanded for. It is becoming apparent that I am no longer first in his house; she is. (Or at least it feels this way.) My concerns are brought up and brushed off. He makes excuses for her behavior and/or actions, when I need time with him and demand some of his attention, it feels forced, grudging, or coerced. Often when I made plans with him, Raven would have a crisis come up and need his attention. She constantly had some sort of drama going on, often self created.
In November of last year, Daddy collared her. I had issues with it, but was assured by him that my place in his heart was secure, and we officially made her part of this house, permanently. I figured with that collar, he would put a stop to her drama and poor behavior. I was wrong. She disrespected his collar, this house, our relationship. He continued to turn a blind eye.
I noticed her withdrawing from us, spending hours on the phone talking to her 'family'. (Her mom really would call and talk to her for hours.) She even started web camming with a guy from the local college in her room! The resentment I began to feel for her was magnified. My concerns were pooh poohed away.
By the time Daddy opened his eyes enough to see what was happening with her, it was too late. They had a long talk, she decided to leave. Now I'm left picking up the pieces. He is devastated. His heart is broken. We found out some things that were VERY troubling, that she lied to us and has been talking to her former master for over a year. She put that collar on her neck KNOWING she would never be able to live up to the expectations it represented to us. There were other things she lied about as well.
Herein lies the problem: Daddy wants her back. He wants her back badly enough he would do anything, even to the point of her NOT being submissive to him. He would let her persue other relationships, play with whomever and however she wants... the list goes on. It is horrifying for me to see just how broken he is over this girl.
I am fairly sure she'll never come back to him. She isn't in love with him the way he is with her. If she was, she'd never have left in the first place. He is sure, however, that he can win her back if given enough time. Meanwhile, OUR relationship is on the rocks, and he has told me that he isn't sure if he wants to fix it or not, that his life is pointless without his 'muse' in it.
I am so completely lost and alone, afraid, and yes, angry as hell. Am I jealous of her? Probably. Do I want her back in our lives? Not really, no, but I want his happiness above all things. I also want my Love back. I want him to cherish me the way he used to, and somehow I don't think he ever will again, regardless of whether or not she returns.
I feel broken, rejected. He cried on my shoulder and told me how empty he was without her. I wanted to scream at him.
I need advice. I have NO clue where to even begin to unravel my feelings and respond. How do I fix this? Can it even BE fixed? How long do I wait for him to mourn before I insist on working on our relationship? UGH!! So frustrated! help?
lost little diamond