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Old 07-19-2012, 05:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,132

I told this to R who was alright with it even to the point where he was comfortable with G and I sleeping the same bed, however R is not comfortable with anything going on beyond that. He hasn't forbidden me from doing it but has stated that it is outside of his comfort zone.
I would break it down further. To me there's framework talk to do first. Every relationship has rights and responsibilities. Those are mine.

What are yours? That is where I think this is at. That right now there's a person named G in the world this applies to is moot. It could be him with A, B, C. Or you in A, B, C. Whatever.

But you can't be plunging in with G without some ground rules and agreement for how to handle conflict when (notice I do not say IF, I say WHEN) it crops up. Life is life. There's always a curve ball it flings at ya.

Because if he prefers some kind of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" thing, you telling him puts him in am emotionally awkward place and then you are not guarding his emotional safety. But then you aren't a mind reader either so... back to framework talk first! (And who knows what framework G wants to play by. There's talk on that side to happen eventually too.)

Something like...

So, thanks. I heard you state it is outside your comfort zone. I appreciate your not forbidding things and trusting my judgement. I appreciate you giving me feedback about your inner world.

But... what ELSE is outside your comfort zone? What is IN your zone? I'm trying to be honest. I'm trying to give you feedback, I'm trying to state my wants, needs and limits to you in a good way. Is this good? I want to hear you wants, needs, and limits. I have questions. Will you talk to me?
Are there soft limits? Hard limits? Boundaries? Thins I should know?

Should I be reporting in another way? How you you want to receive updates and how much info do you want to know as my crush thing with G develops?
I want to play fair here, but I don't even know the ground rules. So... let's talk about ground rules.
You cannot anticipate and plan for everything of course. But getting some basic "this is how we agree to be together so we are in right relationship for the next X months" framework is my go to. In sunny days or stormy clouds -- a framework for being in right relationship with each other helps a lot.

It's too much of a drag to come to find in stormy emotional weather that OOPS! Forgot to lay out some basic framework! Damn! Now have to do it under duress and cope with the storm on top if it all!

It's too much of a drag to not be realistic and come to find that OOPS! We made too rigid a structure that did not allow for life changes or development! (What worked for me and then BF/now DH in our dating life is NOT the plan we'd fly with now as long term marrieds if/when we open up again. Totally other stage of life here!)

Esp in a new polyship thing -- you don't have benefit of PAST polyship experience. You say have been monosexual and R has been comfortable with your polyamorous identity. But he's not actually been living in polyship with you has he?

I can read a recipe to bake bread. But that's not actually baking bread is it? We can hope for yummy loaf, but we accept it could take a few tries, deal with strange half baked things, cope with flour mess on the floor... it is process. Could luck out and execute beauty loaf on first try. But it is skill to do it time and again and enjoy our baking experience together.

So if I'm gonna bake bread here with you, I want to know you are gluten free, man. From the start. We might not know the yummy recipe for us yet in dinner rolls or sandwich loaf or cookies, but let's cut out the chapters that won't ever even fly here from the start! Where are the limits?

Get your framework started, and know your wants, needs, soft/hard limits. Then state them to your partner. Get theirs. Find the happy medium on framework and make room for going back to the drawing board and sorting out probs when they pop up in a sane way.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-19-2012 at 06:05 AM.
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