It's been a long few weeks, again. (Long year, really.) I ended up explaining to him what had happened. I apologized for leaving him out of such a big decision, I'd gotten caught up. He deserves more respect and attention than I've been giving him. I don't know why I keep pushing him away but I don't want to lose him. I need him by my side.
I told him these things do come up for a reason however, because she and him are both extremely important people in my life that I couldn't see myself without. And now I see how this could be seen as choosing one or the other, but I can't see things that way. I can't compare them, it's not a competition in my mind, even though they may feel it is. I love them both, for who they are. I don't want one to be more like the other or wish they were just one person. I appreciate them both as individuals and wouldn't want it any other way.
...His response, was to basically tell me I couldn't have her be more - or even just as - important as him in my life. I understand he was heated and it sounds a little extreme and possessive. I can understand how he would feel territorial because he doesn't have me all to himself like he used to. He wants to hold onto me and not let me loose again. The thing is, the things he says he needs from me, I don't think I can give him. He wants to be the most important person in my life.
Number one. No questions asked. He wants to know that at the end of the day if something happened and I had to choose I would come home to him and leave her behind.
Love just doesn't work like that.
He feels betrayed; how could I have possibly fallen so deep for someone other than him.
I asked him before my second date with her "How far can I take this?" He told me to make this relationship whatever I needed it to be. Obviously he didn't expect this, none of us did. But it happened, and I can't pretend it didn't.
I've been trying to put more effort into being there for him, spending time together and telling him how much I appreciate him. It's really hard though, because we still have huge road blocks in the way.. on my end. I don't know how things have gotten so majorly fucked up but it just feels unending. I feel like these bumps in the road are just one after the other and we have to ride it out until everything is out in the open. I've been slowly but surely trying to come to an understanding with my feelings. dingedheart asked if I ever had the conversation with him I talked about in an earlier post (made almost a year ago) regarding my sexuality and my feelings towards him physically/romantically... Yes, I did. Not long after I posted about it here.
I told him I was struggling and feeling confused and I felt SO GUILTY but I was feeling so uncomfortable being with him physically.. because I'm not sure I am interested in men at this point in my life. I told him I love him and think he is gorgeous and he's not doing anything wrong.. I just didn't want to pretend anymore. He was obviously hurt but told me, it's okay, we can work on it, I'm willing to work on it right? I didn't know how to respond. Inside I thought, how do you work on something like that? How could these feelings possibly change? But I love him so much and trust him I figured he must be right. He said it's so important to a relationship to be able to share that kind of intimacy so we needed to work on it - we could take it slow. He said, we can even just kiss, don't you feel anything when you kiss me?
God I just wish I felt what he felt so these guilty feelings would go away.
I finally got in to see a poly friendly therapist, been trying to get an appointment for so long. I explained myself and she made me feel more understood than I've felt in a long time. It was an unbelievable relief. She validated that he is much more to me than just a friend could ever be, but I don't feel for him sexually and romantically any more like I used to. And that it is okay
. She said it's confusing because society doesn't have a name for that kind of relationship but he can still be an extremely important person in my life with who I share a deep bond, even be my soulmate, but that we don't have to share a bed. I felt such relief just imagining having that weight of guilt lifted off of me - the pressure to have sex and be physical... How much closer I could be to him if I wasn't pretending and avoiding it anymore.
But it makes me question 2 things. Would he ever go for that??? It would break his heart. He already expresses his insecurities to me often, wondering if I'm still attracted to him, asking me to show him I still want him in that way. He tells me he needs that to feel secure in our relationship. If I tell him I can't give him that, will he leave? He says he doesn't want anyone else. And that it sucks because he's not getting what he needs from me but no one else will want a guy who has a girlfriend... So much pressure!!!!
The 2nd thing is... What if it's not just sexual? I sometimes wonder, we have been on the edge but why am I not doing more to save our romantic relationship? I don't have the passion behind it to really do what is necessary. It feels so awful to think that this could end, yet I'm not heading over to his house every single night, I'm not planning dates for us, I'm not writing him love letters and flirting. Can I still be in love with him and not have the desire to do those types of things? Or am I lying to myself? He doesn't understand why I don't want to spend every night and day with him. Or why I don't want to live with just him. I don't know if I'd even want to live with him. A lot of it is because of the pressure to be together physically/sexually I'm sure.. but what else is behind it? I have so much thinking to do and am really surprised if anyone is even still reading this I just... am processing.. It has taken me so long to even have one moment of clarity. I feel like I've been in such a fog and I need a breath of fresh air so badly.