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Old 07-19-2012, 01:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think you shouldn't be so focused on her and what he has with her. You really can't control his relationship with someone else, and that kind of thinking shouldn't even be an option. You and she are both in the early stages of being in a relationship with him. You had a more practical sensible approach when you chose not to move in with him so soon. She threw caution to the wind and moved in. Maybe her living there will impact your relationship with him negatively, or maybe it will be the rope she hangs herself with (so to speak) and they won't last. Ultimately, however, how they conduct their relationship is really none of your business. It certainly is not something you should try to make demands about. If a lover of mine did that to me, he would be gone.

The only thing you really can do is voice your concerns so he is aware of them, and be sure to ask for what you want, but only as it pertains to meeting your needs and staying aligned within your own personal boundaries, instead of making requests that he limit his time with her. Just point-blank tell him how much time you want with him per week, and whatever else you need from him to be happy and satisfied in the relationship, and leave it up to him to meet your requests. Whether he does or not is out of your control, anyway. He's a grown-up who has chosen to be in relationship with two women, so now he has to take responsibility and navigate those waters, learn how to manage his time, and figure out when to say yes or no to either of you, as he sees fit.

Telling your bf how much time he should devote to anyone else is backwards, dictatorial, and quite frankly smacks of arrogance. If he cannot or will not make a sincere and definitive attempt to meet your requests, that tells you something about his commitment to you. And then you have the choice of whether or not to keep investing in him and staying with it. It is likely you will all make mistakes eventually, so have compassion. But you cannot and should not strong-arm a commitment out of him by trying to control what he does with anyone else. Each of you has autonomy and a choice to live with the circumstances, make requests, or walk if it becomes untenable.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-19-2012 at 01:55 AM.
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