Wow. Breathe. hmmmm….
Well, it had been my intention to write a fairly positive entry today but the string of responses has taken me a bit by surprise so it looks like I need to respond before proceeding.
First to Pied Piper
: While I appreciate you taking an interest in my journey, I am sad to see what you wrote here and surprised that in an IM earlier today, you stated that I would probably “appreciate” your comments. I’m afraid I do not in the manner they were provided. While I intended to clarify what I understood about your plans this week (referencing several comments about whether or not I was surprised Colada was sleeping in your bed), I didn’t get the chance to because you jumped in and wrote what seems to be a clarification of my
knowledge on the subject. However, what you actually clarified was your
understanding of the situation. I am more than willing to agree that we had a miscommunication – and clarify for everyone else that I don’t think there was malice involved, as it might seem – I do not agree, however, that I was using a metaphor of any kind. What would it be a metaphor of anyway? Dingedheart is absolutely correct – I was
caught off guard. Let me clarify. Yes, we talked earlier in the evening. Yes, we discussed Colada’s anxieties and her lack of time commitment. And what I suggested to you was that simply telling her that you wanted to spend more time with her might not work because I suspected she didn’t know what that actually meant. I said that it’s like telling someone to be “nicer” – if they don’t know the operational definition of nice, then they don’t know how to do it more. You have to define the behaviors. So I asked you to role-play with me and define what you actually meant by more time. I suggested you start with Monday and walk through the week….and that’s what you did. You said, Colada, when I say more time, I mean on Monday we would do this, on Tuesday this, on Wednesday that, etc. Apparently, you believed you were simultaneously telling me
that you intended to use this as an actual schedule with her this week. However, I thought we were just talking about a hypothetical possible
schedule. We also discussed that she likely had to work that night and wasn’t available and that you would give her three requests for this week’s goals (not that night’s) – one of which was to come to the house while I was there. We also both agreed that she was unlikely to be comfortable enough to do it. So basically, while we did talk, I did not understand
what you meant and was expecting that you only might even get a chance to talk with her that night. And that if that discussion was very successful, she would come to the house some time during the week. I assumed (bad on me) that I would be updated after your discussion and told when that night would be. I did not think it was even in the realm of possibility that you would be able to convince her to come over after calling her after 10pm-ish – she’s known for putting you off for days or weeks! So no, I didn’t think she would be there that night.
Punchline: We did talk, but it was not
clear to me, and I was
SNeacail – Pied Piper is correct in that it can be arousing to me to have her there but can is the operative word. In truth, I don’t really like being in control. I am typically seen as a very controlling person. But in reality, I prefer to take a back seat. The problem for me is that I like things to be done right – so if the person is smart enough to do a good job, I am more than happy to back off. However, if I perceive that person as incapable, then I will jump in and get the job done myself. Because typically the latter is the case, I end up in control often – but it is decidedly not my preference. In the bedroom, I find it highly erotic to be teased though I’m not sure I totally qualify as submissive because I don’t like being ordered around. It tends to confuse Piper a lot. He wants to just tell me what to do and oftentimes it is outside, sometimes, way
outside my comfort zone so I end up upset that he would tell me to do something he knows is too far for me. I prefer a gentler approach – coaxing, teasing, subtle reminders. The condoms is a good example – it’s a subtle reminder to me that he’s not using them with her. Another good example is that once she left him a shirt in an airport locker that she had worn so when he came home from work travel, he smelled like her and that really turned me on. So Piper is correct that there is a bit of D/S to our sexual relationship – and I am interested in exploring that further but what is a struggle is how exactly to execute it. There is a fine line between being dominant and controlling. We are still working on figuring that out.
Your other point that we both need more attention than either can give – that is spot on correct. Underlying Piper’s interest in another person – is the need for more attention, at least, that’s my belief. He also hopes that someone could give me the emotional support I crave. I don’t think, however, think that adding another person is the ideal way to do that – but I’m not sure I have a vote in that so I’m trying to make the best of it.
Nycindie: You are correct – too much focus on sex. That has always been the case, from my perspective anyway. Having said that, what I was actually planning to write about today was his discussion with Colada the other night. They actually didn’t
have sex. I just found out last night. He apparently told her that he is looking for more than lust – he wants to be with someone that can become part of our life and it’s not all about sex. There was more to the discussion – I have to admit, it all sounded quite mature and appropriate (yes, ok, I’ll admit, I was surprised – Piper is not exactly known for being the best communicator) – but I have to give him credit. It sounded very promising to me. I have no idea what she thought but I felt like he was thinking and being appropriate. I said – wow, jeez, I’m jealous, can you find someone to help you communicate with me like that?
It seems I can’t both be in the role of therapist and recipient of his comments. Not that I would want to be – it would just be nice to have someone he could talk to, to help him better communicate with me.
Ok, now, my thoughts for day 3:
Last night was good. He ordered us dinner and we had a mini date. He filled me in on the discussion with Colada and I was impressed with how he handled it. He wanted to follow with sex but I wasn’t sure. We started in my room (I do love saying that, btw) but then the baby monitor wasn’t working so we had to end it or venture upstairs to his room. Ahhh, reality bites at times. Well, I thought for a while and decided to join him, but not all night. We did have sex for a while and it was very nice, all warm fuzzies and what-not but I did leave. I have to admit while I enjoyed it, I was still a little skiddish from recent events…some things to consider. But it was satisfying and went probably as good as it could have – so I was feeling happier and giving. I told him to call her and share the rest of the evening with her – which I’m told she really liked.
But, sadly, I didn’t sleep most of the night…again…because I wasn’t sure if she was here again or not. Which brings me to my points for the day.
First, I have to clarify that we agreed on a time that he can feel awake enough to share that isn’t 5pm. He agreed to 8am and that works for me. It went well this morning – we’ll see if/how it continues.
Rule #2: Text me when she arrives and when she leaves. (we’ll try this out – I don’t want to be too intrusive, but I also must sleep and not feel sick. If it doesn’t work, or if it bothers her, we’ll revisit this rule – but it’s a starting point)
Task #2: Think about how I can decorate my room to create a retreat of sorts – a place where I can feel calm and escape the realities of everyday life. I actually told several of the women at work today that I decided to take a time-out and that I moved down stairs. I talked to one of the women who runs a fairly serious fashion blog about getting her to do a full closet make-over for me. I also talked about how I can decorate this room to achieve the balance I need in my life. It felt good to share some of my journey and it reminded me that the poly questions are only some of what I am working through. I need to be comfortable with me and centered before I can truly sort out how the poly lifestyle can or cannot work in my life. Today, I took one more step….