Originally Posted by snowmelt
Based on everything you wrote, my impression of you is you see a couple you are interested in. They look to be standing about 50 feet away from you. You shout to them: Hey, couple! I'm interested in getting into a loving relationship with you. I'm about 50 feet away right now.
I am going to start walking toward you. By the time I am close enough to hug you, you better have ALL of your issues resolved, and no emotions left except love for each other and me. If you are feeling anything but love for me and each other when I get there, there will be hell to pay! Place yourself in that couple's shoes. Do you think they are swooning over how attractive the drill sergeant is a she approaches with that attitude? I am a single female in my early thirties. I'm happy with myself and my life. I would feel like you were a drill sergeant at boot camp.
I thought that was a great analogy.
Combined with myriad thoughts from Marcus (which I've been mulling over the last couple days);
I've come to this thought;
I agree that poly is about loving more than one and embracing that fully (read his above post for details).
BUT-we all grow and mature at different rates and whilst we are growing, we're also stacking up responsibilities.
I married BEFORE I found poly or found out enough about myself to make use of the information.
I have a responsibility to my family (husband, children, son in law, grandchild) because I chose to bring them into my life and I've made commitments to care for them, raise them in some cases, protect them in some cases and provide for them in some cases.
It's unreasonable to me to say I'm all about LOVING-and drop the ball on those responsibilities-because to me part of LOVING is to uphold and stay true to the responsibilities and promises and commitments you make.
Therefore, I have to negotiate and struggle as my previously "mono experienced only" husband tries to find his way to where I am. Unfortunately, that means dealing with his insecurities, jealousy, possessiveness etc.
Fortunately, my boyfriend is understanding and accepting of Maca's limitations and growth process, because like Maca-he and I have our own limitations and issues we have to grow through and we all care for each other and commit to helping each other through them.
BUT-it also means that an outside party who wants to date any one of us-has to understand, Maca is where he is regarding poly, and he's NOT fully embraced it yet. He's struggling with it. Right wrong or otherwise.
I would advise that anyone who isn't up to dealing with that is PERFECTLY OK not to-just don't date anyone who is struggling that way or who is committed to someone who is struggling that way.