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Old 07-18-2012, 06:42 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 191

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
It seems that everyone gets a rank in the hierarchy, primary is the relationship that matters and secondary is the relationship that doesn't. Sugar coat it all you want, but that is the truth of the matter as far as I can tell (if it isn't, you guys might really consider using language that is not explicitly hierarchical).

I have no problem with people being in relationships that make them happy, but if these boards have a story to tell it is that these "secondary" relationships tend to have some real frustration. I can't blame them, I wouldn't enjoy being classified as secondary (or primary, for that matter) and would see myself to the door if I found that's how I was being thought of. This idea of assigning rank to relationships seems very dogmatic to me, archaic even. Why would I ever tell someone that I loved "I love you, but your life and feelings are not as important as my primary, get used to it"? That just seems cruel to me.

To find out how it feels to be a secondary partner you need only read through these boards. The general consensus, as far as I can tell, is that it feels about the way that it sounds... like being secondary.
Thank you for saying that. It is very cruel.

As (for the purpose of this site) "Secondary", I know where I stand and fit in in the relationship. I don't need to be labelled.

My bf and I had this discussion recently. His thoughts were similar to mine when I said that I thought that the "secondary" label was cruel, insulting and derogatory. These stupid labels mean nothing to him. As he stated, I was not "secondary" , I had a place of love and importance in his life that that terms completely undercuts.

And that's what matters. Not the label.

Thanks again for the sensitivity to this hot topic.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm dating Isa, who has a boyfriend she lives with and has been with for many years. I am not secondary to him, even though their lives are entangled in a way that mine and Isas are not. This does not make him more important to her or less important to her. I am not equal to him in a good many ways but that would not change even if the three of us moved in together. He is not equal to me in a good many ways because our skill sets, temperament, and outlooks vary from topic to topic. For me, the classification is a throwback to the control and ownership inherent in monogamy.
THIS! Yes, exactly. Control and ownership.

Last edited by newtoday; 07-18-2012 at 06:45 PM. Reason: ipad typing is terrible!
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