Originally Posted by apophis
Many monogamous people might feel short-changed if their partner lavished attention on a platonic friend. This is for the simple reason that the choice to be monogamous is most often based on the choice to be in a partnership where you use your available resources (time, energy, attention, etc) mostly with one person. .
That would be my definition of an abusive relationship. Someone who expects me to reserve the lion's share of my time and resources to the exclusion of other friends and family is someone I would absolutely consider possessive and, at best, in need of therapy and space to deal with their dependency issues.
I have been happily monogamous, and could do so again with no problems. However, anyone worthy of my love understands that I am a whole person, not
their "other half," and that I have a full life that they are privileged to be included in, as I would be grateful and privileged if they should choose to include me in theirs. All the "you should spend the majority of your time, energy, and love on me" crap is ownership dressed up as romance, which is all too common in our culture.
turtleHeart, I think it's great that you're stretching your comfort level, and working to figure out how to fit everyone's needs and wants as best as possible. I especially think looking at being more comfortable in J's home/neighborhood is a really positive step.
The lack of focus and lack of planning would bother me a lot. With work and my family, I have to be able to plan in advance and I don't like it when plans change, because I don't have the ability to be as flexible as I did when I was younger. Punk does this a lot, and I find it upsetting because it feels like he's disrespectful of my life and obligations. The attention thing, as well. He's frequently texting with his wife on our dates, and it really bothers me. If I've set aside time specifically to be with him, I want the fullness of his attention. It's ridiculously frustrating, and I sympathize with you in those ways.