Thread: Torn
View Single Post
Old 07-18-2012, 11:46 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It is NOT unreasonable to expect a partner (poly or not) to make a point of letting you know daily that they are thinking of you and love you . . . But, there is no reason you can't expect (once you've stated the need) for him to agree to call or text you a few times a day if he's going to be out of face to face contact for more than a part of a day.
WOW, that is all just so excessive to me. Daily? Several times a day? Really? UGH!!! That would feel very oppressive to me if I were asked to do that just to reassure someone. And, personally, I would not assume that I am not being thought of simply because I haven't heard from someone. There are people I am very close with and think of many times a day, yet I am not in touch with them for weeks at a time, and then we just pick up where we left off. People who know me know that's just the way I am. OP, perhaps your bf is more like me, and does not need daily contact to feel secure in a relationship. In that case, it may simply never have occurred to him that you would feel excluded and forgotten.

It does sound like you are someone who really needs that day-to-day contact, whereas that would feel claustrophobic and like overkill to me. This could just be a clash of communication styles or love languages. While I think it is important to let him know this is a need of yours, I also believe you would do well to think of compromises you can also accept, because he may not enjoy or be able to keep up with daily contact.

How long have you and this guy been seeing each other? Do you feel like you might be overly attached to him, or to some expectation here? Your first post expresses some disappointment in yourself for being a "hypocrite," about which it seems you meant your independence as a woman. So, where did you trip yourself up and become so much more attached than you want to be? It is possible to love, and love deeply, without attachment. Maybe you could ask yourself how that would look to you, in your mind's eye, for a relationship. Just some questions to point out a possible direction for your inner exploration of motives, wants, needs, etc.

I also think it would probably be good for you to keep going on dates with other people. Go beyond your comfort zone and sit with the feelings that come up surrounding that. Just don't attach expectation of a relationship to the dates -- go out with the goal of enjoying someone's company and getting to know them. Have fun.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2012 at 11:59 AM.
Reply With Quote