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Old 07-18-2012, 07:07 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Tonight I find myself wondering.

Can I really be ok with this indefinitely?

With as much as I love Gia, and as much as I love Bee, and as much as I care for Eric.

Always knowing that, in the end, they're a unit and I'm not a part of that in the same way that they are. Chances seem good that I can't be. No matter how much they might care for me back, I don't see this ever evolving into a co-primary situation. He's the one in her bed every night and in her life every day, and that's just how it is, I wouldn't ever change that even if I could because what they give each other is far too important. Maybe in some fantasy future they'll have better paying jobs and a bigger house and they'll get a king-sized bed, and I'll be welcome in it whenever I want, and I can sleep with Davis half the nights and sleep with them the other half, but, yeah, not in any actually remotely foreseeable future will this happen.

I don't know that Eric could ever be comfortable with that far-fetched future vision even if it WERE feasible, with sharing on that level. If his heart and soul worked differently than they do, maybe this would all be different, but they don't, and it's not. His life is his wife and his child and everything else is a far distant third, and there's not room in there, that I can see, for someone else to make a secure and permanent home. I could find ways to convince myself that it's possible, but they would be self-delusions right now, and I want to avoid that at any cost. Gia herself has said to me that she doesn't task this relationship with lasting forever, just with lasting as long as is sensible, whatever that means exactly.

Can I really be ok with the idea of this being a secondary relationship forever?

Can I really deal with the idea of always being important, but not AS important?

Can I really be ok with knowing that I hold our relationship to a higher level of commitment in my heart than she does?

Can I really be ok with the fact that she never sleeps apart from him, because he can't sleep without her, so unless he goes away on another business trip like he last did more than two years ago now, she and I just don't ever get to sleep alone together (for the record, she did say once that if I absolutely needed this, she would consider negotiating with him for it, but I'm not sure how I could ever bear to ask, and it's all moot anyway for the time being because of Bee)?

Will there come a point at which getting just a portion of what I want is too painful?

Gia trusts me like almost no one else. She considers me when she makes decisions, she thinks of me when I'm not around, she wants me, she loves me. She is growing, with an eye towards helping to fulfill my desires. She is letting her child fall in love with me. She is making space for me wherever she can. And god, I just want to fall into this love, I just want to be there, with her, with them, all the time. I want to commit and I want to signal my commitment to the world. I want to get my love tattooed onto my skin, made visible and real, and I want that urge to be welcomed and warmly accepted and even reciprocated, not considered odd or creepy or too-much or crazy or (in my worst fears) pathetic.

I want to stop waiting. I want to stop, even just for a little while, being the one that's strong and flexible and patient and understanding and reasonable and rational and giving. I just want. And I know she does too.

I think I would feel a million times better if I could just take Gia out to dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe with a candle on the table, and talk with her softly for hours and get tipsy, and walk back to my place arm in arm, pressed into each other, and then curl up in my bed together, and kiss, and hold, and touch, and be. One night shouldn't be too much to ask. So I'm holding onto the idea that this can happen, that this is possible, after our camping trip. I want to fall asleep with her, but I have no idea when that might become possible again.

Ugh, I feel like a teenager in all the worst ways.

Why is this all coming up now? Does it have something to do with us beginning to explore D/s, and that stirring deep feelings in me? Or, at almost three years in, at almost two years since she got the positive result on the pregnancy test and everything started changing, am I just hitting my limit? Should I, *can* I, pull back emotionally to preserve my ability to keep doing this, keep being present without it being too painful? Is this just something I need to ride out, something that will pass? Will I be a huge mess when we go camping in a couple of weeks, or will I be laughing at this bout of late night maudlin introspection by then?

Maybe I just need to be clearer about my needs, now that they're coming into sharper focus. Maybe I need to insist on a date night once a month, just us, whether we stay in or go out. If Eric actually does do the once-a-week-taking-Bee-to-be-with-friends thing that Gia was mentioning, then there will be a space for it. Or maybe I just need to focus on Davis and on myself, and to try to think of her less.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 07-18-2012 at 07:14 AM.
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