I talked to her about how it was important for me to have her understand my point about boundaries and expectations for future situations. She still disagrees with my view of the facts. She mentioned me feeling threatened by this other guy and that this makes her feel like she can't explore her connection with him as deeply as she'd like.
I told her that I was happy she has this connection and wasn't threatened by him. I feel our current relationship is threatened by her not setting expectations and sticking to them. I want to see THAT. I said that I feel scared to communicate because I know how it can be misinterpreted and have it reflect badly on me and that I run the risk of her doing what I want but resenting me for it. I said that the reason I'm giving communication a shot is because I love her so much and want to talk to her instead of festering in silence or just abruptly dissolving the relationship like I've done in the past. She seemed to understand this.
She mentioned that it was going to be awkward finding her new guy a place to stay. I told her I appreciated her for loving me and respecting my boundaries. I said I understood why it put her in an awkward position and know that part of that is due to my desires. But her actions also played a part. She said that she tried to call me this weekend (but it was after they were already back in her town). I also told her that he could stay the night tonight since it's late.
Honestly, I don't feel like going to the camping event now because I know that she's going to be distracted by him again and it's going to be really hard to deal with given this new twist. I'm worried that she is so disassociated and doesn't understand my point about having boundaries. I am worried that she wants to be completely free to follow her emotions but also wants the security of the relationship with me. I think that it's important to put boundaries on yourself when starting a new connection, even when mono, so you don't end up living with someone after the first date.
I feel pressured and a bit manipulated. In addition to our emotional talk a month and a half ago about living in the same town, she talked about wanting to live with me. We had this discussion before but those discussions were always calm. This one was not. My thoughts are that I want to maintain my own household, where we either live in a duplex type deal or we maintain different homes but spend time together in each. I think we could even have children this way. We are both alpha people and having our own territory is important. She got super upset about this and took it as a rejection of sorts of her.
So yes, I feel a little like I need to check myself if I don't want to totally cohabitate with her but don't want someone else to do that too.
But, this also feels a bit too coincidental and manipulative. I don't think she's consciously doing it but I think unconsciously, she's putting the screws on me. I don't like that either. I may be able to work something out with her about our living situation that meets both of our need better. But I don't want to do it at the point of a gun.
I appreciate her eventually respecting my boundaries and I don't want to punish her for that. At the same time, I feel she resents me for insisting on structure in our relationship, when structure is what she wants (she has complained to me about me seducing other women when we were out with her coworkers as a couple. She also felt sidelined there and embarassed about it in front of her coworkers.). I really fucking don't want to be in the position of having to police her on boundaries either! So, I resent her a little too here. We left on a loving but emotional note and she's spending the night with him this way. Awesome.
The worst part is the going back and forth about when enough discomfort is enough and taking action myself instead of just reacting to her actions. I fucking hate the tension. I feel in a really pressured position that...I DON'T HAVE TO BE IN! I am very close to just going back to an unstructured situation because this structured one is such a pain in the ass.