So my gf and I are planning to go to an event and camp together this weekend. We live 5 hours a part and only see each other on weekends. Last week she asked whether it would bother me if her new love interest came to the event. I told her that I want us to be able to hang out with multiple partners at events. But also that we had plans to go together and she needed to set those expectations with her new guy so he wouldn't be disappointed. I didn't want to set some precedent where another lover could just come in a break up our plans at a whim.
If I'm agreeing to be in a primary relationship, then I want both of us to set boundaries and expectations with other lovers. What's the worst that can happen? A guy I know put up with his wife and her lover kicking him out of his own bed to fuck on valentine's day. Then her mono bf insisted on her not fucking him with other people and finally not fucking him at all! SCREW THAT. I'm gone long before that happens.
I told my primary that her new guy could come but if he and her wanted a weekend to reconnect it would be better for them to schedule a weekend together and I would go do my own thing.
My gf decided to do her own thing this last weekend because she wanted to stay home and had a lot of work to get caught up on and I was staying in my town. However, she then made plans to meet her new guy out of state last weekend. She ran it by me and said that he probably wouldn't come to the camping event THIS weekend. She said that she doesn't think she'll see him more than a couple times a year since he's travelling but that this opportunity popped up where he was working within driving distance, 3 weeks after she first connected with him, got distracted from me, and then spontaneously had him stay with her for a week.
I was cool with it. We had just spent a week together and could use some time a part. I thought it was a good solution to get everyone's needs met. I was a little bothered that she was distracted away from her plan but I've been there before. I've chosen to do my own thing on a weekend before when this primary would've preferred to get together and then an opportunity with a traveling lover arose and I spent the weekend with someone else. My primary accommodated me then, I can accommodate her now.
I also felt a need for more parity because I've been avoiding dating and social life to focus on getting a job in the same city with my primary. I felt that I was sacrificing my needs last weekend for us while she was off having fun. So, I went out and socialized instead of focusing so much on work.
Well, I talked to my gf tonight on the phone. She told me that her lover had decided to come stay with her for another week and to come to the camping event this weekend too. She went along with it. She insisted that she explained very clearly to him that he may feel neglected at the event because she was there with me.
I asked her what her plan was with him staying with her. She said she didn't know, was still processing it, and that he'd probably leave Sunday or Monday (meaning he'll probably go back to her town with her). She talked about her feelings and how good it felt to come home to someone this week.
She had a very emotional conversation with me weeks before meeting this guy saying that she realized that she really wanted to live in the same town with me and was afraid that I didn't know how to get a job in her town since I hadn't made it happen in 3 years. She didn't know whether she needed to start working on moving toward my town. I felt a bit pressured but I decided to sacrifice some of our and my fun to work on the job hunt more on the weekends because I REALLY need to get out of my town and integrate my life. It will open up more dating and social balance for me.
After her new guy stayed with her before, my gf had told me that it felt really good to have someone there and she broke down crying. She also mentioned that he brought up moving to her town and she told him that she liked their relationship because he lived out of town. She told me that if she did make a connection in her town, she would be very careful to limit her time with that person to avoid that person becoming her primary by default because he or she spent so much time with her. I waited two years to become her primary because I wanted to give each other the freedom to spend more time with others in our towns if that's what we felt, without it feeling life a betrayal of a role. She really wanted to be primaries and treated me as such before we agreed that's what we were this year.
After listening to her tonight, I told her how uncomfortable I was with her new guy staying with her again. I said that I knew her intentions were good and that she loved me but that I was very uncomfortable with her not setting boundaries with him and letting the him push what boundaries she had verbalized. I explained that I have two major issues:
1) It feels like she is just totally going with her feelings and telling him her expectations and boundaries but then acting differently. I am afraid that he doesn't believe her when she does this and so is just pushing what boundaries she asserts verbally. She told him that I'm her priority and that she wants to create a life with me. But, from my perspective, she's distracted by him when I'm there and she's allowing him to spend big chunks of time with her and even temporarily live with her, just a month into meeting him. I'm sure he can see this too. I know she would be massively upset if I let some chick live with me in my town. She even admitted tonight that she would feel that we were moving in different directions if I did that. I am very worried that she is unable to manage her other relationships and keep them from affecting ours.
2) It feels like she is stepping out of the primary role here and not putting boundaries on herself. That threatens my sense of parity. I have come to some sort of reconciliation that NRE is a phase in relationships and they're in a different phase than we are in. I understand emotions can be that way. I've made my peace with the fact that she's going to feel more intensely for him sometimes.
But now this is actions and frame. It feels like she's ALSO replacing me with him in a the primary role in her life. She admitted to getting her weekday companionship met with him (she also has a roommate and a huge social circle) and said that getting her needs met like this was a benefit of being poly. I will not continue to invest in a primary relationship role when I don't feel the other person is doing the same. That feels like cuckholding. I would rather just go to a more fluid relationship and let us pursue what we feel and what works for us in the moment.
When I communicated the part about being fluid to her, she got upset and said that it felt like I didn't trust her love and intentions. She said that we should be able to have a conversation without me mentioning breaking up or redefining things. I told her that I didn't want to threaten her but I don't know how to talk about boundaries without talking about what I need to do if they are crossed.
She said that she was very discouraged because she felt that we hadn't needed to set boundaries or rules in our relationship but just naturally flowed the right way together. I believe that we did this because we're compassionate people and we were in NRE. Now, her emotions are guiding her elsewhere and she needs some structure or we need to to be completely free and be fluid with each other. She said that she disagrees with me that having a primary relationship means giving up freedom.
She said that she had been happy that she felt we were communicating better and understood each other better but now this conversation made her feel distant from me. I told her that communication isn't always easy but it's better than the alternative of being silently resentful, fighting, or just leaving when we're upset.
She said that she disagreed with me that she wasn't setting boundaries with this guy but she understood where I am coming from because she's been there before. She said that she doesn't want me to be constantly reacting to her actions.
She asked me what I wanted her to do. I told her I wasn't cool with him cohabitating with her again like that. She said that because she loved me and wanted me to realize tthat, she would have him go stay somewhere else in her town. She said that she wanted me to know that she was doing this of her own choice and doing it because I feel uncomfortablee, not because she felt she had been doing anything wrong. She said that she disagreed that he was cohabitating with her but was just like a travelling friend visiting and staying for awhile.
Last edited by Roam; 07-18-2012 at 06:19 AM.