just spent a good few hours with alex, reconnecting and talking finances and figuring out how we are going to make this separation work logistically. i put two and two together and figured out that she is (finally) starting a sexual relationship with someone new. when she and i first started exploring poly, she was convinced that she was definitely mono and had no interest in seeing other people. now that she has started to experience the high of NRE, she seems to have more understanding about my perspective and even some compassion for some of the dumb things i did in the heat of NRE with sam and k. i also got to feel a little bit of jealousy, which is very good medicine for me. it felt helpful to remember how much she was willing to stretch for me and sit with her difficult emotions, even when she didn't always behave well.
the hard part of this breakup is that i still love her. i just was so unhappy in that relationship for so long that when i wonder if i made the right decision, i also wonder how i could have made any other choice? i don't see that anything would have changed for the better if i had stayed. i wanted to be freer to set my own boundaries with my other lovers and alex needed to feel control over the situation.
i feel a bit worried about this thing with k. i am so enamored with her, the NRE is still very strong 7 months into it but the communication is somewhat weak. i suppose i have been avoiding processing with her because the processing with alex has been so intense for so long. but K has dropped hints here and there about wanting me "all to herself" and i have kind of laughed it off until now. i have been so emotionally drained by the breakup with alex and at the same time so fulfilled by K sexually (and she's also been very supportive and comforting) that i haven't given seeing anyone else a second thought. even the idea sounds exhausting to me at this point.
BUT i'm going to the lesbian mecca in the woods next month for two weeks, by myself without alex and without K, but with thousands of other women there looking to connect and have fun. K knows i am going of course, but we have not talked about agreements at all. i'm dreading broaching the topic, which i know is irresponsible and perhaps lazy of me, because isn't this poly thing all about the processing????
i have to figure out a way to talk to k about this. how do i say, "look, i love our sex life and i know you want me all to yourself, but i'm going to the woods for two weeks with a bunch of other dykes and i can't make you any promises" in a way that feels respectful and still communicates to her how into her i am?