First, I can’t believe I missed it – but I misspelled “Pied” throughout my entire entry – ugh – so I’ll correct it in the future – I think once I typed it wrong the first time I just didn’t notice I kept doing it. :/
Ok that said, here goes with my real entry:
Today was ROUGH. Last evening, Pied Piper and I talked in my room for a while about how he can get Colada to be more available. It sounds like she hasn’t had a lot of serious relationships (if any) and is a work-a-holic so last month, somewhat hindered by travel, they only saw each other once….far too little for his taste. So I was helping him figure out how to tell her what he wanted. I didn’t mind helping – frankly, I kind of enjoyed it. I’m good at it and it makes me feel needed. Buuuttt….then I want to hear how things went. I want to see if what he did/said worked. I want to feel appreciated for my efforts – especially because I’m not actually comfortable with this situation. So basically, I’m helping him because I want to be supportive, even though it’s not my preference. Naively, I assume that a) he will appreciate my help, b) he will like me more, c) I will feel good that I was helpful, and d) I will feel more involved with him, and by extension her. WRONG-O.
I was doing well when I went to bed. I had a nice glass of wine, I lit my candles, I set up my blog – and then went to bed. But I realized I forgot my vibrator and texted him to bring down for me. He texted back saying he would send her and that I should confirm receipt (so the kids wouldn’t find it in the hall – yikes! Haha). I didn’t get the text until almost 2am though because I had fallen asleep. But now I’m nervous – she’s HERE? Or is he joking? (he does that a lot) Is she in MY bed having sex with MY husband? I text him back asking. No response. I check ALL NIGHT LONG – never a response. 6:30am, he texts me asking if I’ll nurse the baby in our/his room (who’s room is it now? I don’t know – I suppose it’s his). Before getting the baby though, I pop my head in and sit on the bed. I’m DYING to know what happened. He confirms she was there, that she left early, and “she says she’ll try.” I’m like – well, that’s the punchline – what are the details/nuances? I wanted to know how he was feeling – good? Happy? Excited? Appreciative? Did he like me more? No – he was tired. I was pissed. I hadn’t slept all night waiting to know and I got nothing. Not a single bit of excitement, inclusion, etc. I’m ok with not sharing details that would make her uncomfortable – I just want details about him and how it fits into our relationship. Instead, I felt rejected, stupid, left out, underappreciated, and angry. He got to have all the fun and didn’t have any energy left over for me – or the family. I got everyone in the house ready, got myself ready, got the house ready – he just slept in. :/
Work was rough too. I felt sick to my stomach much of the day and cried several times. When I came home, I had to turn right around to take my mom to the airport. He gave me a hug and said we’d talk when I got home. But when I got home, he immediately handed me the baby and started working on his computer. I was like – What are you doing? And I got the “what’s your problem look” – which just set me off even more. I said – you said we’d talk when I returned and he said, not immediately when you return. I responded – but I’m leaving in 20 minutes to take the other child to sports (which he knew) so when were you planning on talking? He said “tonight” – then why didn’t you just say that before? He didn’t know. I was numb.
Sports was good though – got my mind off everything. I talked with the other parents and focused on my child (which always makes me happy)
I came home to a request to share dinner and a coffee with Bailey’s – and sweetness from him. I don’t know how the evening will go but we’ll see.
But they slept in my bed.
That’s tough to swallow. Having sex is one thing – sleeping together when I’m downstairs is another entirely.
Ok, vent out. Now, the real stuff – what am I going to learn today? I think I should come up with one clear rule I need and one clear task I can do to help myself be more centered. Here goes:
Rule #1: Share your feelings with me the first time you see me after seeing her….even if you’re tired, working, whatever. Take 10 minutes to make me feel included.
Task #1: Avoid seeing Piper before 5pm – jeez, that seems unfair. But if I go with 10am, he’s already working and cranky. Maybe I’ll ask him tonight what he thinks is reasonable because I think 5pm is not.