Hi, all. I'm a mono involved in an LDR with a beautiful poly (he's had the feelings but this is the first time he's decided to fully embrace the lifestyle). He came out to me a few months into our relationship and there is someone else who he met before me but it's pretty on and off because she's also a mono (long distance as well) who tries to not acknowledge his lifestyle. When it overwhelms her, she leaves and then comes back when she misses him. Because of that and because I've stuck by him through all of it, it felt like it was just the two of us for a long time and he never really mentions her. So as aware as I've been, I wound up shelving it in the back of my mind because we didn't talk about it anymore after he came out. That was probably not the best idea. I could have used the time to start adjusting.
Because of the distance, the NRE was going pretty strong and gets rekindled with each visit. About a month ago, he found someone locally that he has a really great connection with. I'm not sure if he's come out to her and things haven't gotten physical but the emotional bond got strong pretty fast. It was the same for us. He has a tendency to be pretty intense. Now his NRE is directed towards her and I'm here with all of this existing NRE from my end that at times feels ignored.
I explained to him that while I think it is fantastic that he has found someone he connects with on a deep level and I don't mind that he talks to me about her, it would be nice if the affection between us didn't disappear just because she's shiny and new. I feel like I'm the one initiating all of our affectionate moments and sometimes he doesn't reciprocate. It's been especially scarce the past month except for two days last week that made me feel like I was in heaven. He once explained to me months ago that because he gets so busy with life sometimes, he can forget to tell me what I mean to him but that it doesn't mean I'm not important. I brought that up to let him know that I know he's not doing it to deliberately hurt me but that it still does hurt sometimes.
It's especially hard because of my mono wiring, this being my first poly mate, it having been just us on a deep level for nearly a year, the distance, and I'm still trying to get over my jealousy issues with his lifestyle. I told him that someday I might not need the reassurance but that while I'm getting used to everything, having both of our needs met instead of everything seemingly going one way would make me feel a lot better about all of this. Of course having both our needs met after my adjustment period is required as well because that's how any relationship model should work but I don't think that needs explaining. He said he understood and everything seemed to go well after. Affection initiated by him acquired!!
That was yesterday and today things seemed to have slipped back as if I never said anything. Am I asking for too much and is it bad to get upset about it after only a day? I definitely don't want to bring it up again a day later because I don't want to overwhelm him with all of these back to back emotions. We wound up in a much deeper, emotionally intense conversation about his lifestyle and the fact that he's egalitarian instead of hierarchal over the weekend and that's what prompted me to join this forum. I knew I was going to need to do a lot of research and find some support aside from him.
Like I said in my intro post, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!