Wow, twice in 7 mos? While in that time he's off with you sexually without
her knowing in the home you share? That's got to sting her A LOT. As far as sexual needs go, I could see where she feels like he put his and your sexual needs first.
So there WAS more he was shirking her on. She had other needs going unmet you did not know about besides the need for clear communication. Sigh.
Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not having ANY sex with EITHER of you until you sort out the communication problems here and everyone is good again. Pretty big faux pas. I know you state you don't want to be with anyone else but I'm sure you don't want to be in like THIS -- in a big ol' mess.
In my world there's rights and responsibilities in relationships.
Each relationship branch in your polyship could review the rights and responsibilities and see what end of the stick got dropped when and agree how to move it forward if the rship is to remain in place and heal from this big ding that's been made all the harder by not establishing a clear framework of your own 7 mos ago.
You could chalk it up to it being your first polyship -- dings will happen. It's how you COPE with said dings that will determine if the polyship will grow stronger or what. And this is a coparenting, cohabitating "V" thing here -- you cannot get away from each other in separate apartments or something. You have
to deal with it.
It's all a big tangle right now and putting a pause on all things sexual til it gets sorted isn't FUN for you, but it's not a horrible or unreasonable soft limit for her to ask for right now in the emotional aftermath for all sex relationships to pause. It's kind of you to agree for now in the interest your friendship with her and in the interest of sorting things out to a better place first if the big goal is still a harmonious cohabitating "V." If that's the goal, sleeping with him while this communication break down thing is going on and her sex needs are going unmet is additional waves being made that doesn't need to happen or add on to the pile. Nobody died from not having sex for a bit. There's always flying solo and masturbating.
I could see where you both
are super mad at him for various reasons.
I sympathize -- but breathe. Untangle this mess one layer at a time. I'll keep hoping for the best -- since your repair work with her seems to be going ok for now. Repair work with him will be a bigger ball of yarn.
Keep in mind you have been his lover for 7 mos.
To her you've been his lover for 7 mos for only 2 days
. And the knowledge came in a cheaty context for her -- make out with exgf, and being loverly with the live in co-parent without her knowing!
You are going to have anxiety now for your home situation and want to know -- is that still the goal? A harmonious, cohabitating and coparenting "V" relationship?
And is it a soft limit (that can be renegotiated in time after healing has happened) for her or a hard limit (never happening) on your sexual relationship with him?
But some of that discomfort you all have to just own and deal with owning -- because she cannot give you answers she does not yet know. You all need processing time from the emotional storm.
Hang in there. BREATHE.