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Old 07-17-2012, 08:52 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Default play vs ? partners, boundary equality

I'm not sure how to word the scrambled thoughts I'm struggling through at the moment.
But, I wanted to come here and get some feedback and thoughts and different viewpoints to expand my perspective in order to come to some sort of conclusion in my mind-because it won't stop spinning this rubix cube thought pattern.

Ok, so to me there is a difference between a play partner (swinger partner, fuck buddy, friend with benefits maybe) & a long term committed partner such as my boyfriend, who lives with us and is a daily part of our world, is a parent to our children, financial burdens etc.

I don't have an issue with either, but I'm not currently interested in having play partners.

My IMPRESSION is that in all honesty, play partners is more what Maca wants.. but that's not what he says (a whole other topic).

I struggle, because the behaviors that are acceptable with play partners and those that are acceptable with potential long term partners are different BECAUSE
a long term partner needs to be able to function with the family as a whole, be on the same page with how we're raising our kids (which includes our choice to be open about our dynamic), and have similar long term goals. For their sake and ours.

However, a play partner doesn't really need to be any of these things. A play partner doesn't need to associate with any of the rest of us at all.



BUT

even if its simple enough to define that someone is attractive and your both interested in being play partners-
we do still HAVE kids who we are open with.
But... I don't think that they should be exposed to these play partners

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]BECAUSE[/COLOR]
these partners tend to rotate through more quickly and its upsetting for the kids to lose people they've come to care for.


I'm struggling because these thoughts seem very clear cut to me and even fair.

But, in creating our boundary list (and we have established that with all of us being so damn ADD, we NEED a written agreement),

we seem to come up with agreements with no major issue.

UNTIL
there's another woman. In every case, it's been evident that the relationship dynamic being established has been a play partner. Someone to enjoy a romp with, some amusing conversation periodically, but not someone who would ever be a significant "match" for our family.

The latest has a real issue with me "not being poly" because I'm not interested in "falling in love with falling in love", based upon my disinterest in starting new relationships (over and over again) which then get replaced by newer ones.
Also has issues believing that I'm "holding Maca back" and not allowing him freedom to grow and expand "into his real self" with others. Because I am pissed over him breaking our boundaries with her. But, they're boundaries she feels are silly-because she tends to be more of a "multiple play partner" person.

I don't see this at all.

The thing is-Maca takes their side-when he's in NRE. Saying he deserves more freedom and I'm being unreasonable (not making new rules, just insisting on him upholding the rules that exist). But, these same rules he still expects me to abide by.

The latest drama that unfolded came down to him saying that the difference is that you can't MAKE a new relationship with the rules we have and I don't have to do that so it's not fair. I can't prove him wrong-as I am not interested in starting a new relationship. But, I know that the rules we have, I could create a new relationship with. But-I probably couldn't start a play partner relationship under them.

THAT I think is the real crux of the issue. Not that he couldn't create and make a long term relationship (which takes longer to establish anyway), but that he can't start a play partner relationship as easily, because the people who want to just play, aren't interested in spending much time getting to know the family first....

My biggest battle is-I don't really give a fuck about him having play partners and doing whatever he wnats in that arena-with sexual protection in place.

But-I do have a big fucking chip on my shoulder over the rules applying to both of us and even though I'm not interested in having a play partner at the moment-I KNOW he would NOT be ok with it if I did want to. So, I'm loathe to establish that privilege knowing it won't be upheld for both of us.

(just to be clear, it's not that I mind him doing what I don't choose to-I just want him to be clear that we both HAVE THE RIGHT)

So.... anyone got thoughts on the differences between play partners and long term partners,
getting the relationships started,
how the family as a whole is or isn't included,
how to ensure that both people are creating the boundaries from a heartfelt place and not just saying the words.....???
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