He tried to dissuade her without actually saying "no" until he finally brought it up to me. I said it was no big deal, do whatever, but he decided it would be awkward to be in the same room as me so he went into our bedroom, shut the door, and proceeded to have cyber sex with her for over an hour and a half.
Now Keith feels terrible because I feel terrible. He's trying to figure out what he could do to make me feel better about the situation, and I really don't know what to tell him. He didn't do anything wrong. I told him it was fine. I know he lacks the ability to think about me when he's in a situation like that (he'll think enough to not break any rules, but he won't think about how what he is doing is affecting me right at that moment - like not even noticing the door or the shower starting or any of that even though it was happening 10 feet away from him). None of this should have surprised me.
So basically you both need to step it up on reporting your inner weather.
He could have explained himself on his cranky pants attitude. You could have asked something like "Dude, why am I getting cranky vibes? Do you need to talk? Are you ok?"
Then later on...
Were you ok with it initially but left out the limit and later got upset with it being so long?
If you were left unhappy this time because you did NOT state your limit, next time state limit
. You have a responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits. Esp when you know his personality is such that once he's on the path he thinks enough to not break rules but is not esp good at aftercare for YOU.
So list out your aftercare suggestions. (ex: Fine with me, hon, but remember we have a dawn breakfast date so def don't stand me up on that part. And I already initiated sex twice, so I feel a bit left out here. Maybe just play for an hour for warm up with her? I can shower and do something else to warm up. And then perhaps we can finish by having sex together? Or finish with just snuggles. So I get to connect with you also if full on sex is not your speed tonight. Does that sound good to you?)
Or were you NOT ok with it and did the "whatever" thing expecting him to be a mind reader and go "Crap. She whatevered me! That means I'm already in trouble so I best not go there right now til I repair things with her first."
If so, you have a responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits and he has the right to clear communication. He's just not a mind reader. Don't say it is NOT a big deal when you know it IS.
Say what it is. (Ex: "Thanks for checking in. But cybersex with your secondary is not esp cool with me right now because I feel left out as your primary when I've initiated real person sex twice with you tonight on our date night. If full on sex is not your speed tonight, that's fine. But I'm right here -- we could cybersex. We could snuggle. We could chat. Play scrabble. I wanted to connect with you tonight in some fashion. Going off to connect with her when there was no special effort to connect with me is ugh feeling to me.")
The other stuff like feeling rejected with work applications -- remember it's emotional weather. All of it. You feel what you feel when you feel it and let it blow on through. You don't get to CHOOSE when you feel things.
You get to choose how to behave -- choose to REACT or choose to ACT with intention.
Now that you've been through this thing once, you can decide how you want to be now that it has happened and choose how you want to be the next time it pops up. Talk to your partner. We teach others how we want to be treated.