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Old 07-17-2012, 05:29 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast, USA
Posts: 69
Default checking back in

so its been quite a while (almost 3 months!) since my last dramatic post. needless to say, my life has been in varied states of chaos since then, which contributed to me not posting here. but i also think i didn't know what/how much to write, and i have felt really all over the place with my feelings.

in the last 3 months, i have:
- moved out of mine and alex's house
- got my own apartment
- adopted two kittens
- fallen in deeper with K

i have also been all over the map in terms of how i have been coping with mine and alex's breakup, from feeling relieved and excited about my future, to feeling desperately like something must be deeply wrong with me for me to want to go smashing up my life like that. i have gone through periods of missing her painfully, wondering if i took her for granted. i also went back and read my posts here and in my private journal, and am reminding myself time and again how long i struggled with this decision and suffered in ambivalence and feeling stagnant and depressed.

on the other hand, having my own place has felt liberating. while i am still adjusting to the feeling of being alone, when i can relax into it i find that it suits me wonderfully. i love the down time, i love my feisty new kittens, i love making the place my own. K has been incredibly supportive of what i have been going through and very understanding of my moodiness. as is to be expected, the shift in my relationship with alex shifted my relationship with K as well. i have found myself confiding more in K, being more emotionally vulnerable with her. the sex is still phenomenal (!!) but we are more connected in other ways now too. its still not easy to get K to talk about her feelings, and i'm trying to just take the whole thing slow while getting through this breakup.

one of the unexpectedly hard things about this breakup with alex is losing most of "our" friends. even though i am still very connected to the friends that were/have always been "mine", alex got "our" friends in the breakup. its not even that i want those friends as "mine" because really that group was more her people than mine anyway, but i suppose what bothers me is how smoothly it all seemed to sort out, how everyone just sort of went that way and no one has checked in with me about it. granted, i haven't reached out either so i can't say i tried, but literally only one person from "our" group of friends has tried to contact me to see how i am doing through all of this. i guess it just makes me a little sad, and a little more aware of how precious close friends are, and how often the folks you share holiday barbecues and new year's eve parties with really are just acquaintances when it comes down to it.

i'm glad to be back here, reading everyone's stories and feeling a little less alone.
Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.
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