Today marks my first night in my own
room! I can't believe it! It actually feels like I went and got a new apartment (not that I've actually ever done that but I think this is how it would feel). I have candles everywhere - stuff in boxes, a mismatch of art on the wall, a bed that needs new linens, and a couple of days of clothes unpacked. I have a lot to do to make my "suite" my own. I'm actually getting a bit excited!
Here's the backstory:
I was previously married to a poly-interested, very sexually repressed, and sadly, quite crazy (yes, actually diagnosed) man, whom I'll call BeautifulMind (because yes, he's just like the guy in the movie). Well, eventually his issues posed a safety concern for me and the kiddies - and we divorced. I loved the man, but we were all suffering. His issues eventually led to him losing custody of the kids. He can see them if I allow it but he has been stripped of the ability to make any decisions for them. It's a sad situation - and an emotionally/financially costly one too. I have two super middle school aged kiddos from that marriage - ScienceGuy and AthleteGirl. At the end of my marriage to BeautifulMind, I met PipedPiper....who swepped me off my feet. He made my tummy do flipflops like I had never experienced. During our first sexual experience I actually asked him what we were doing! hahahaha It was just such a different experience than I had ever known. I was numb everywhere and I had the biggest grin I had ever seen on my very red with joy, face. But having been forced to consider a poly lifestyle with BeautifulMind and turned it down outright, I refused to be asked to be "shared" again. PipedPiper promised he would never, ever share me. Boy was he wrong.
Admittedly, PipedPiper confessed that he had cheated on every woman he had ever been with - but after a broken engagement due to such behavior, he swore he had changed. WRONG. About 7 months into our marriage, he asked to become involved with a woman (Marathon) he had previously dated. I was a bit turned on by the possibility so I agreed. It led to a 5 month serious dating situation. She and I started emailing and IMing - eventually we met (we lived in different states) and hit it off....emotionally and sexually. I am typicaly not at all attracted to women but she was the right combination of controlling and smart - so I was attracted to her anyway. I found that I was enormously turned on by watching her and Piped Piper have sex. Our threesomes were, well, simply put, they were amazing...best sex I've ever had. Unfortunately, she had a darkside and that relationship ended. I found out that her and PipedPiper had been sleeping together right before our wedding. I have never recovered from that information. It makes our wedding such a joke. She wanted him to divorce me, he refused, she left, 'nuff said. 3 years goes by. I needed a loooonnnggg time to recover. I was so angry and hurt.
Finally I told Piped Piper that I'm ready to let him try again. Things were good between us and I felt better. Enter Ant. She was young, beautiful, and very innocent. He appeared to be honest with her and liked her a lot. But she was too young for this life. 10 years our junior, she was terrified to fall for him or to meet me. We tried like 5 or 6 times and each time, the sky would fall, she wouldn't show, and the cycle would begin again. Eventually, she had a terrible accident and so far, has spent 14 months in the hospital recovering. Go figure - it happened the night I said, "forget it, I can't keep trying to do this - this is rediculous." But who bails on a girl in crisis? So he continued to try. But we had a trajedy of our own. Our family became very sick - PipedPiper and I lost one of our daughters (Butterfly) and the other spent 6 months in intensive care (Pea). I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and he was treated outpatient. But it took an enormous toll on us both. Eventually, Ant and PipedPiper couldn't keep it going. She was in a hospital 3 hours away and becoming more and more depressed (not surprising) but with his own woes, it was just too much to continue.
3 months pass - and PipedPiper decides to date her sister, Colada. <sigh>
Really? her sister? <sigh again> Well, Colada is older, better educated, more career minded, stronger....blah blah blah. As far as I can tell, she's just as commitment-phobic as her sister so it won't work either. Nonetheless, it's been 5 months now and they're in wuv. But she won't meet me either. And I mean, kicking, screaming, hysterical crying afraid to meet me. <sigh again and again> He says she's worth it - I coulnd't tell you - and at this point, I'm not sure I care. We've tried to connect over email but it's been sporatic, at best and agonizingly shallow. So basically, it's not doing anything for me. But he likes her and wants to make her comfortable. So I said forget it - make her your primary. I'm out.
Enter today. I've moved downstairs. We have two master suites in the house so I moved into the spare one. I've decided to take some time to spend with myself because I need a B-R-E-A-K! We just celebrated the girls' birthdays and it was very difficult missing one. I miss Butterfly so much it hurts sometimes. I resent PipedPiper for making me face, yet another, drama in the face of dealing with the children. But he's not going to change and I love my kiddies way too much to leave him so here we are - stuck. For better, for worse, I suppose.
But I've turned into a sniveling, sad, depressed, mess of a woman who begs for attention - who is that?! I don't BEG. or do I? Apparently I do. Well, no more. I need to reconnect with me and figure myself out before I can even consider how deal with Piper's poly "needs". And Colada? oh who knows...I have no idea how to deal with her, or even if I need to.
So I started this blog in order to record my thoughts and my journey. I've asked for 30 days of space. We'll see how it all unfolds. For now, I'm treated like the secondary - sorta. We use condoms, they don't. She gets first choice of time but I get all the responsibility (his moods, his needs, his work, etc). Enough! If she's going to be primary, then the responsibility comes with it! I'd like to just be the fun one - the one with energy, personal space, and only work to worry about. (well, except that I adore my children so I enjoy that privelege)
I don't know how I'll feel in 30 days...but I do know I should learn a thing or two. We'll see if I really like the idea of being second -- or not?