Nomming on some incredible vegetarian lasagne that Elemental and I inexplicably decided to make in the sweltering heat on the weekend. Nothing like cranking the oven and power baking noodles to bring on the sweat. Thank the lard for central air, is all I can say.
I had a pretty awesome weekend. Mahogany and I went to a play on Friday night, the stage lights glowing off her long lean limbs in the dark of the theatre had me thinking of pretty fucking inappropriate things. I missed whole chunks of dialogue wondering what she sounds like when she's drifting out of consciousness into her primal self. Reminder to self….. Friends. We are friends. It was not a date!! Over a martini (me) and wine (her, ever classy) she confessed that she too has been referring to it as a date all week (me by accident, her on purpose). That woman is determined, and I can't imagine her lovely husband being able to say not to her for long in regards to pursuing something with me. We spent five hours together, and it flew. She is so engaging, intelligent and beautiful - her home is as unique and incredible as she is. I got to meet some of her children (she has four!), and her VERY foxy husband - had asked what kind of books her wee ones liked and brought them along with me with special stickers from me to them inside. They were stoked, and her hubby expressed his favourable first impressions of me to her when I dropped her off at midnight. Felt weird not walking her to her door and pressing her up against it, but remember… FRIENDS. Tempting frustration is good for me - would be more than happy to just have her as a friend, but yoinks, she is some kind of sexy/fabulous. We live mere blocks away from each other as well.... too convenient, really. We're going for a long walk this week, and out for lunch. We'll see how it develops, but she definitely expressed the intention of dating a woman long term, and I definitely get the feeling that she's got her eye set on me. I am encouraging her to date though - good to have options, and not just go for the first thing that catches your eye. More measured – I could fall straight into that woman.
Saturday was domestic bliss - house was so pretty and fragrant with Nag Champa by the time that Lily arrived from the city. She is so beautiful, bright and open - big smile, sparkling eyes, ready laughter and brought a feminine and thoughtful present of a flowering plant for the garden "This is my first step in helping with the landscaping!" she said. We settled into hugs and gin and tonics and snacks on the couch, E. feeling a little ginger after having food poisoning the evening before. The dogs love her, which shows her mellow character, as they avoid angsty people in general. I find myself smiling a LOT when she is around, and love the chemistry/dynamic between her and E. as well – they make a beautiful couple. She brought a professional camera with her and snapped shots of the dogs and Elemental - got some really nice images. We had dinner on the couch - casual and relaxed, and hung out talking for hours sipping drinks and water. We traded foot rubs, played a game of Dominion, and then E. faded (little sleep the night before). He headed to bed, and her and I stayed up late talking.
She asked me an interesting question. She asked me what my endgame looked like at this point in poly - my ideals. I found myself rambling uncharacteristically - usually I am so fucking concise in my communication, and if I can't be, I ask for time, give it thought, and then come back with clarity. I decided to just be honest about everything that has been muddling about in my head, and it went something like this.
I'm unsure where my challenges with E. and Sync resided. I went through such insane challenges with them, and came up against the very core of myself in the different situations that presented themselves. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I loved Sync, and she didn't love me back in any kind of way that was recognizable to me. I don't know if it was that E. disrespected all of my boundaries and pushed me well beyond my capacity for being comfortable. I don’t know if it was because there were some old patterns of sneakiness and deceit that cropped up between E and Sync. I don't know if it was Sync's near predatory nature with E, or her utter neglect of me. I don't know if it was tied into the fact that she was so emotionally immature, and unable to communicate her feelings with me, or really engage in conversation about relationship period. I don't know if it was our combined romanticies, and the fallout of our ideals dying. Or it it was E's lack of personal boundaries that created confusion for both of the women in our triad. There were SO many mistakes made, so many things that went wrong that I just couldn't put my finger on what it was that upset me so much. Perhaps it was the first independent PIV sex that E. had ever had, and it was more significant than I expected it to be??
Because of so many factor splaying into our demise, I truly don’t know if the triad/dyad dynamic is something that I am even capable of being comfortable with, or if it was just Sync specific. Having such a hard time disassembling these emotions, and getting to the root of them, it's like a tree - many, many roots of why there might be problems, one big truth/problem coming out of the ground. Despite this, I expressed that my dream was me having a girlfriend of my own, and having hot threesomes from time to time - that the relationships would be about friendship, hot sex, intimacy and love, but not about being a duplicate to my relationship with E. - different, but still very important to me. That it was also important to me that I entered into a triad with a woman who actually identifies as bi-sexual (Sync does not) and was as into me as I was into her (Sync was not).
I said that by and large, my ideals had gone out the window. That my expectations had not served me, and that I had no further interest in projecting any kind of structure on top of people. I expressed that I wanted to get to know people, and see if they would fit into my/our life in a meaningful, harmonious way instead of trying to fit them into a mould that I had pre-made. I told her I wanted great communication and sex, but no expectations on how things were going to work out/what I had to offer. Not NSA, definitely not that - but no preconceived notions of things getting super serious in any kind of a rush. Possibility? Yes. Expectation? No thanks.
She expressed how beautifully she thought I had shared my thoughts, and that it made a lot of sense. She gave me affirmation, and reflective listened. I felt so accepted and heard in her responses to me, and she confided things about her love life and challenges as well. It was real communication, and I wanted to lay a thousand kisses all over that feminine form that she graces with her shiny soul.
I told her that I wanted to do all kinds of things to her pretty self, but was intent on restraining that shit, as it was the first time that she was staying over at our house, and it wasn’t my style. When I went downstairs to make sure she had everything she needed she asked “But we can still make out a little, right?”, and my hands traced the soft lines of her arms and face as our mouths melted into each other. She smelled like summer and tasted like fucking heaven, and I went to bed with a huge grin on my face.
Breakfast out the next morning after we co-did our makeup in the mirror (squeeeee, I love that shit!) we flirted and giggled over a breakfast plated by these tough-assed sisters that own a cafe in our downtown core. They all look like power-dykes, and it's fully run by women - I love going there. We headed to my shop after so she could see a bit more of my world, and then went home to battle mosquitoes to get inside. My mentor/teacher was there to pick me up, and we managed a quick goodbye smooch before I shuttled off to a nearby city for a music festival in the city.
I talked to Elemental while I was there and he relayed that she had stayed for another hour or so. They hung out on the couch, and E. put forward his truths to her as well - what he had to offer (sex, friendship, fun, intimacy) and that if she wanted to move forward that she would have to either a) make a move b) verbally relinquish that control to him/me/us. She was apparently across the couch like lightning, in his lap, and they spent some very nice time kissing and talking.
I think I may have my answer about all of my confusion already. When E. told me about them kissing/bonding, I was flooded with feeling. A good feeling. Fucking compersion. I felt happy for them, excited for us, and just kind of pervy excited in general. I didn't feel insecure or fucked up, or angry that he hadn't talked to me before kissing her like I would have with Sync. I was kind of thrilled. Not kind of. I was. I searched the dark parts of myself for doubts or upset and found.... nothing. Found a smile and excitement to ask him more questions about it when I got back home. We talked about it over some lovely tea I got at the music festival, and I felt like we were on the same page. Felt safe, well communicated with, happy and relaxed, and excited to see Lily again.
Last edited by nycindie; 12-28-2013 at 10:17 PM.