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Old 07-16-2012, 04:59 PM
Roam Roam is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10

Wow! I'm feeling so much NRE from this budding flirtationship with you, Sparklepop that I'm going to have to really keep myself in check from getting distracted away from the other people I flirt with online.

Anyway, I'm not necessarily cool with things now. My poly ideal is for other connections to add to the goodness, not take away from what I have. It seems that it's not just an unlimited love vs limited kreplits dichotomy but there's also a limited passion dimension.

But I'm not one to fight reality. If that's the way it is, so be it. As you pointed out, there are more positive ways to frame NRE than implying something negative about the relationship or one's value.

Accepting the situation still leaves me with unmet needs though. I'm sorting out the proper role for communication about these emotional needs. I feel that NVC doesn't provide me with the tools to communicate how my partner can meet all my emotional needs but it can help preserve a loving connective context for me taking responsibility for getting those need met myself. For instance, I can tell my partner that when I see her focusing so much on someone else, I feel angry & feel less sexual energy because my need for connection & to be desired isn't fully topped off. I don't know how to tell her how she can help with this other than vague "don't be so distracted." And I want her to be able to enjoy her new connection. So I'm going to focus on topping off my tank in this area and I may not be as focused on her as a result. That way, me investing energy elsewhere isn't misinterpreted as punishment or revenge by her OR by my emotions. With communication, getting my needs met elsewhere isn't interpreted as a withdrawal that hurts our basic connection.

With more concrete needs and boundaries, I can continue to employ NVC to ask for what I want. Especially in regards to my expectations and boundaries about the primary relationship. In that way, I'm being assertive about the fact that we are primaries and I expect her to not break plans with me for others or start having unprotected sex with others. I can even ask for more time together while not expecting to totally get topped off in the desired category here.

I can always smoothly & lovingly move out of primary role if my needs are getting met less & less in that role and more elsewhere. Or if my boundaries and expectations about the primary role are being violated.

It seems that this experience with NRE and having this conversation is helping me modify my expectations about and approach to poly relationships and about communication. One thing that I'm worried about is connecting modified expectations like this to my sexual energy for my Gf. When I feel less connection & desire from her, I feel less of it for her. It's hard to have good sex in that context. I'm not sure what to do about that.
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