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Old 07-16-2012, 02:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,219

Its more an issue of, do I owe it to him to let him decide if he's ok with me being in what is very quickly becoming an actual relationship with someone else.
Yes. Because if this is the relationship that IS, and if this is NOT what he signed up for told hold info back is a lie of omission and prevents him from seeking and finding the relationship he really does want to sign up for.

Be it with you, in a new format or new configuration.

Or not with you, elsewhere.

He confronts me about the friendships and asks if "I love him". He occasionally alludes to the fact that he can pull back on the whole allowing me to be with anyone else sexually at any time for any reason.
He is allowed to state that he's no longer ok with you being involved with other people sexually.

He obviously senses something there or else he wouldn't be asking if you love him or not.

Which at this point in life I won't go back to.
And you are allowed to state that you aren't going back to the old relationship model. You are not a THING. He cannot "control" you or "allow" you to do anything.

So my quandary becomes, do I tell him and let him make this decision before life changes like buying a house, changing careers, ect.... or do I wait till he sees it himself, could be more accepting of it, could not be, but he will have already made those decisions based on me.
Spit it out, hon. Don't put off the inevitable. He may or may not react well, but at least you are trying to be honest and up front.

Move it forward to the place where he can feel emotionally safe again. Withholding info does not make for him feeling safe. He already sounds jittery on it.

The fact that he still thinks that this is a negotiable set up, and that he isn't ok with the idea of being with someone who is truly poly and not just in it for the sex is what concerns me.
It should concern you. You have not been keeping him up to date. He's operating on old news, and he can only get the new news from YOU.

If you don't tell him things are changing in your inner world how are you holding up your responsibility to know and state your needs, wants and limits? He's not a mind reader. And you are denying him clear communication rights by not speaking up.

I know each couple has their own way of dealing with things, but in my world the rights and responsibilities are clear.

There is actually a huge part of me that wonders if I only want to tell him to assuage my own guilt. People do that cheating situations and one night stands all the time, and both of us have agreed that such things are stupid and meant more to make the guilty party feel better than for reasons of true honesty. I'm not sure if my situation is any different. Except I suppose that it is ongoing and long term.
You are not going behind his back cheating on him. He knows about your partner. What you have discovered is that you do have feelings for partner, beyond a swinging or FWB type thing. You need to report this asap and not let it go on and on flying under false colors to your DH.

I think the guilt you feel is from being avoidy about reporting this discovery and it's only going to grow the longer it goes on. Do you fear husband's reaction?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-16-2012 at 02:51 PM.
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