Thread: GreenMom's Blog
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:49 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Questioning why I feel that way, that's a very good idea.

Off the topic of my head...

- I already know I've feeling very insecure and clingy right now, in wake of having learned of my husband's indiscretions.
- - However, it's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I'm going to repeat that again. It's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I am the one who chose to take it as a personal thing that my husband strayed, when really, it was him making his own choices, and not really thinking about me at all. While that does hurt, I don't have to allow it to make me feel "less" anymore.

- Marty and I have not seen each other in over a month, and for a month preceeding that, only a couple times for brief intervals with children/friends.
- - Summer is busy. He's working extra hours. I'm doing extra projects. I shouldn't expect, schedule we set nonwithstanding, that it will always work out. I should expect that things will work out when they can. It is very hard, but we are in frequent contact, and it isn't always me reaching out.

I think those are the main two reasons I've been so "OMG why is he posting on facebook but not talking to me" or "The whole weekend has passed and I have heard nothing". I HATE BEING THIS WAY. I did a MUCH better job this weekend of avoiding those behaviors. How? I kept super busy. I cleaned the house and sorted through stacks of papers that had been waiting for the recycle bin, the file cabinet, or the shredder. I grocery shopped, I returned some shoes that didn't fit my daughter, I ran other errands. I cleaned some more. I had music playing the whole day, other than the hours I carved out for quiet time reading a book. I finished an entire book and lost myself in the story. I gamed. I played with the kids. I took the kids on almost all the errands, which made them take longer, and kept me way busier doing them, lol. I did my monthly "Try and meet people on OKC" and sent messages to about 10 new people (for friendship, primarily - I desperately need more local friends).

I am going to admit something I am pretty ashamed of. I have become that girl who waits for the phone to ring. Only instead of the phone, I sit at my laptop logged into chat programs, waiting to get a message. I keep my phone handy waiting for texts. I constantly check to see who is and is not logged on. IT IS PATHETIC.

Know what? This weekend, I was online a bit, but mostly I kept busy, and when online, it was for a purpose (responding to mails, playing a game). People know how to reach me if they want to, and I have things to do. I was so much less depressed by just doing these things.

I found that I was snapping at my husband a lot this weekend for trivial things. I know this is because I am still very resentful of having my nice, comfy marriage all shaken up, and the fact I am constantly waiting to find out he is back with her behind my back again. I think that tonight once kiddos are in bed, I need to do something I've been avoiding, and talk to him about it. Perhaps Mom will keep her door open to listen for the rare wake up, so that he and I can take a walk. Then I can combine talking with fitness, which is another habit I need to restart.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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