Thread: Jealousy
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Old 07-16-2012, 10:51 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Before I begin, I wanted to point out that my response here is neither meant as an attack, nor am I feeling in the slightest bit defensive of the other people posting here. I would merely like to offer my perspective. Hopefully your perspective of my perspective will be clear and we can keep this friendly, eh?

You seem to understand that people feel insecure sometimes. Yet, you seem to think people are trying to make their partners feel guilty for their own emotions? Why do you think that? I am genuinely confused.

As far as I thought, if someone is asking for advice (here or anywhere else), they are not usually actually asking for their opinion to be confirmed. The act of seeking advice, regardless of the content of their post, means that the person is trying to become more evolved and deal with their issues, in order to reach that supposed Holy Grail of 'no insecurity'. The people who are making their partners feel guilty for their own feelings are the people who aren't posting here. They are at home yelling at their husband for texting another woman.

I believe that most people, given a choice, would naturally rather not experience negative emotion. It's no fun for anyone. I don't think that people here are trying to say "come, help me drown my partner in my pool of negativity" - I think they are trying to stop themselves drowning in it. All you are seeing is their words on a computer screen - it's the only medium they have to communicate through. Try not to judge based on a bunch of letters that form a sentence.

You said yourself - aside from some poly relationships, you've had experience in the swinging realm for over 25 years. Perhaps you have never felt insecure? Or perhaps you've had time to deal with those feelings? Or - perhaps swinging is a different ball game than poly? I haven't had the pleasure of swinging, so you tell me

I'm also interested in your comment there, that you would have 'exited stage left' if you had experienced these levels of jealousy issues in your previous relationships.

Dealing with other people's emotions, nurturing them, helping them to grow, can have a knock-on effect of helping you to grow. You learn to be compassionate, empathetic.

You do realise that to say "some people have no business" being in the lifestyle is highly arrogant and presumptuous? Not being rude - just checking You cannot pass holy judgement on the people who post here, based on a couple of threads. It is not your place to do so.

I could just as easily assume "You have no business in polyamory, if you expect people to behave perfectly and if you show minimum compassion for human emotion. You clearly have empathy issues - perhaps that's why you are single?". But I can't say that - I don't know the first thing about you. I would be judging you as a person based on a few sentences I'm reading on my screen. It's probably far from accurate and more importantly, it's not my place. I am not the All Seeing Eye of poly. I'm 27 - I'm not the All Seeing Eye of anything. If I stop smoking and make it to 70, it still won't be my place to judge what other people are right for. We can only judge ourselves. And that... I believe... is the point of this forum: to judge ourselves.

That being said, regardless of poly, we all have our own limit when it comes to dealing with other people's issues. I'm a Psychologist, so my limit is pretty high. I'm not saying that to be trite or arrogant - I have a genuinely high threshold for other people's woes. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has a pretty low threshold. I don't have the answers to everything, but, being a Psychologist... ~laughs~... I can see why this is the case. So I'll let her off.

If your threshold is on the low side, at least you seem to realise it - you said yourself, you're not looking for people with many issues? So you've got the first part of it sorted. Now you just need a place that houses all of those issue-free people. I think you're right: this might not be the place.

Perhaps I digress. Let's get back to your main point. The premise of your debate is a curious one for me... where is the actual disclaimer that said this forum is a sea of fully evolved, mature, issue-free poly people? Incidentally, who actually said this was a place to meet people? I didn't realise that this was a dating site. I'm not being sarcastic - I genuinely thought it was a forum. So, why did you think differently? Am I missing something? If so, take me to the hot women. I'm poly - I'll take them all.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 07-16-2012 at 10:54 AM.
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