Carob's up and down, what a mindfuck, sometimes holding it together, sometimes spaghetti on the floor.
See him in ten days, woo.
Had a bit of an awkward negotiation with Ella over Skype. She doesn't know what's being going on for C recently. I arrive there on Thurs, and she heads off herself (away for a month study overseas) early Sat morning. Initially I was thinking I'd see her on Thurs and stay with Carob from Fri onwards. But given current situation, really need to spend the night with C on Thurs. End of the rope. Is not ideal to spend the night with Ella on Friday (given she's flying out very early the next day, would have been lovelier to sleep in etc) but yeah. Situation gnarly. Just gonna have to be that way.
Ella didn't really understand, she asked why couldn't we go with the more convenient option of seeing her on Thurs (given I'm going to be in town for a week and can see C on any other night.) I didn't want to get into details, but pretty much told her that the way things were, it was a bit more delicate than mere convenience. Said that Carob's been going through a pretty rough patch...
She was sweet about it, but kinda unconvinced. Not sure how I can say any more. Maybe she'll find out later, and it will all make sense in retrospect.
Having some sweet cuddles with Sago. After I visit Carob & Ella, I'm going to be travelling for a couple of months more, so will be a while before I see him. Ah man, gonna miss this dude... But so amped to be travelling. Just heard that my friend managed to get hold of a Burning Man ticket for me too!
There's just one more thing. A few times, when Carob's been feeling really guttural, he's said "I might not be able to cope if the test comes out positive, and then you leave"... As I mentioned before, he pretty much asked me if I would stay, if he couldn't handle it without me. I've said "yes, I'll stay if you need me to" each time but I'm hoping like fuck that (a) he isn't positive (for many other reasons apart from this!) and (b) even if he is, he won't need me to stay.
It's selfish, I know, but I don't feel guilt about it. It's simply how I feel. I need to hit the road. And, yeah, it would be a real waste of money of everything I've spent so far. Plus, be a disappointment for friends. Doesn't bear thinking about.
I meant what I said. If he really needs me to stay, I will. Maybe this is my little gamble.
Ah. This is rough.
So busy before I go too. Gonna be shredded by the time I board that plane. Hey, what's new