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Old 07-15-2012, 02:12 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few comments from me:

The only way to make sure your already-established relationship isn't all about the mundane household chores and bill-paying is to schedule sexy/romantic dates with each other where you get to seduce each other, connect intimately, and leave the day-to-day concerns behind. Once a week is a good way to keep the flames burning, and no cancelling allowed, unless for emergencies. Otherwise, it won't happen. It takes effort to maintain the hotness of a relationship.

About picking another "cooler" person over each other - oy. Love has no reasons. We love someone because we love them, not because they are cool or not. Yes, there are always specific things that draw us to someone and influence how or when we fall in love with them, but in reality love is like gravity - an attraction between two objects simply because they are there. We stay in that person's sphere because we are pulled there by their existence. Once you get there, love truly is unconditional.

And polyamory is about expanding love, not limiting it. It's not about auditioning people to best fit one role, we recognize the beauty in multiple people, each with their own unique qualities. Your fiance sounds like he needs to build his self-esteem. No one wins when we compare ourselves to others. What he may not realize is that those really cool people he thinks he can't compete with might do things that annoy the shit out of you, like clip their toenails in bed or something.

Finally, poly is like a smorgasbord. We don't go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and put just one item on our plates. We want it all. So he has to stop thinking monogamously, like there will be one person that will shine more than him and make you set him aside. If those thoughts come up, he needs to consciously look at them, and not pay them credence.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-15-2012 at 02:22 PM.
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