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Old 07-14-2012, 04:26 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,895

Originally Posted by DrThoms View Post
I actually that sounds right but I really don't know how to get her to treatment without cause a split. Loosing battle. It was a thought of the previous doctor
Very difficult. Most bipolar patients somewhat-to-greatly enjoy their manic phases while they are happening - it is afterwards, when they see the wreckage, that they fall apart. During the mania they are convinced that their actions are appropriate and you are being overly worried or a "stick-in-the-mud".

Even if she is not willing to admit that she might have a problem/diagnosis, could you possibly get her to counseling along the lines of "I'm having trouble getting my head around this whole 'poly' concept but I love you and don't want to lose you - come to counseling with me so I can help myself understand"?

You have every right to ask for what you need in your relationship. Watching someone you love self-destruct is devastating.
You have options.

1.) You can agree to her "wide open" request. Let this run it's course and watch from the side-lines. (Warning - if this is bipolar mania it can actually last weeks/months/years). I suggest you get yourself into counseling even if she doesn't agree to go with you - this is a rough road.

2.) You can try to negotiate for a "hard-line" boundary. For instance - "Do what you want, I can't stop you but if you have sex with someone else we are done." But then you run into honesty issues - what if she does and then lies? You are at risk for catching something nasty. Is that a risk you are willing to take? Are you prepared to actually walk away if she crosses the line? (Aside - never issue ultimatums that you aren't willing to enforce)

3.) You can "take a break" (i.e. separate). Lay it on the line - "You are currently not the woman I married. I love you and I want to be with you but I can't be with you if this is how you are going to be. Either you agree to counseling/treatment or I have to leave until this is over." Then you walk away and tell her to contact you once she is over this or in treatment - if that happens then you can see if there is anything left of your marriage to salvage.

4.) etc.

What usually happens? The partner stays until too much has been said/done/broken that can never be forgiven - then a split that could have been amicable had it happened at the beginning drags into a nightmare.

Disclosure: I could be completely wrong. I seriously hope that I am. But this doesn't feel like a "poly" problem to me. This doesn't sound like years of "I don't understand why I can't just be happy with my primary partner" followed by a rush of "finding the polyamory option."

Jane ("please-let-me-be-wrong")Q
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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