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Old 07-14-2012, 01:26 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,899
Default Reply - Part 3

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
This is really what I mean by quality time in monogamy as well as getting to know someone on a level that's really impossible in any other way.
I think that you and I share a lot of our definition of “quality time” - I am just not of the opinion that any other option than monogamy makes this “impossible.”

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
What I think is really moving forward is the understanding that there is no fairy tale relationship of any kind, and that a relationship is based on what the individual desires.
Yes, I agree.

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
What was most important to me here is to articulate my personal discovery that monogamy is not just some outdated immature fairy tale way of looking at the world but for some of us provides a mature, realistic and practical method of forming a relationship with another person.
Yes, certainly monogamy is ONE method of forming a relationship with another person. It is certainly mature for some people, realistic for some people, and practical for some people. It is none of these for other people.

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
It doesn't inherently work on codependency or ideas that you could never love another.
No, this is not inherent to the concept. Unfortunately for many people this does turn out to be their experience. Life being what it is...ideals and philosophies are often kicked in the butt by reality..

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
The mature understanding of it takes all of the available options into account, and then makes a decision based on them.
THIS! The problem that many poly folks lament is that they were never made aware that there WERE any other “available options” - I think that this accounts for a lot of the “monogamy is bad” sentiment on nonmonogamy sites. Many people feel that monogamy has been presented as they ONLY option and they “wasted” their lives trying to fit their square selves into a round hole and that they have been made to feel that they were somehow a failure as a person for not fitting (despite the fact that many “monogamous” people “fail” at their monogamous relationships as well).

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
Finally, I felt it was necessary to articulate that, just like any variant of polyamory, monogamy also has a lot to offer for the right person that couldn't be found for them in another style of relationship.
This may be true. For me, personally, the only thing that monogamy has to offer that I can't have in my current configuration is sexual exclusivity – which is not anything that I was ever interested in.

Originally Posted by apophis View Post
My preference is to divide my time between me-time, time spent with a single partner who I live with, and somewhat more minimal (not too minimal though) interactions with others. In that sense I like to be alone sometimes, love being with a partner I know intimately and trust, and don't like frequent amounts of strong interaction with other people. I'd rather keep them to friends, acquaintances, and people I have interesting conversations with where the majority of time will still be focused on myself and my partner. Some time would still be set aside for friends but possibly the amount of time devoted to a single poly secondary relationship for all of the friends combined.
My preference is to divide my time between me-time, time spent with my two partners who I live with, and minimal interactions with people I consider close friends (I have two – I talk to them once or twice a month, and see them once every year or two). As an introvert I have zero interest in spending ANY time with “acquaintances” and minimal interest in interacting with friends who are not close friends (anywhere from once every few months to once every few years). So I definitely agree that the time that I spend with my other partner (which I enjoy) replaces time that other people spend with “not close” friends/acquaintances/random strangers (which I enjoy only minimally).

Thank you for bringing up this topic...turns out I had a lot to say (and all this in response to one post!).

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-14-2012 at 01:56 AM.
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